Tag Archives: horror

Treatment 18- Leprechaun 5: In the Hood

Ice-T and his Afro of Plenty

St. Patty’s Day approaches, so in honor of all the “Irish” people throughout the world (even those who are only Irish on St Patrick’s Day) we thought we should cover something appropriate. And what does a podcast called “Schlock Treatment” consider appropriate?

Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood

We mostly hated this film, and we expound at length as to exactly why in this week’s treatment. Kirk, of course, likes this movie. He’s a bit weird. As usual, you can find it on Netflix, and there’s a link to it in our store.

GO FROM BEMUSED TO WEIRDED-OUT… as Kirk does his best rhyming Leprechaun impression!!!

GO FROM IMPRESSED TO SADDENED… as Matt reveals his knowledge of the streets…and Home Alone!!!

BE TOTALLY AMBIVALENT… as Doug and Marc bicker like old ladies about who said what thing first!!!

All that and more on this week’s Schlock Treatment! Subscribe to the podcast today!

Treatment 15 – My Bloody Valentine (1981)

It’s coming, ladies, the most wonderful day of your relationship (except maybe your anniversary, and your birthday, and Mother’s Day, etc. etc. ad infinitum)!! It’s Valentines Day! The day where that someone special better find a way to show that you’re someone special, or ELSE!!

It’s coming, gentlemen, the day you all dread. The day in which it’s up to you to come up with a more elaborate and romantic display of your love for that special lady than whatever it was you did last year. No pressure!

Luckily, you can both toss all that Hallmark BS to the curb and just sit down and watch a schlocky bit of 80s horror known as [amazon_link id=”B000I9W240″ target=”_blank” ]My Bloody Valentine[/amazon_link]! We guarantee that by the end neither of you will want anything to do with large, pink, heart-shaped boxes anymore! Especially not when they’re dripping with blood! So watch, and then join us on the podcast as we tear it into delightful, pink shreds!

SHUDDER… as the guys discuss the horror of a horror film made in *gasp* CANADA!!

WINCE… as Marc attempts an impression of a squishy pickaxe stabbing noise, but come out with a sickly duck!!

SWAY… with the music as we dissect the movie’s Gordon Lightfoot-esque ballad!!

This plus Matt’s rant about the metric system, Doug’s Italian film director makes a come-back, and Kirk closes out the show with another display of lightning-fast wit! We also just manage to fit in next week’s movie assignment…all on the latest Schlock Treatment!

Treatment 10 -New Year’s Evil

Should horrible movies be forgot, and never brought to mind, then we will bring them back to your mind with another episode of Schlock Treatment!

This week, we watched New Year’s Evil, an 80s slasher that brings us death by bag of weed, and Fonzie’s girlfriend, among other things. We follow our insightful analysis of that film with our first annual SCHLOCKIES! Yes, we reveal our choices for the ‘Ultimate ERJ Award’, the ‘Best/Worst Actors in a Schlock Film’, ‘Worst Crapfest’, and ‘Best Schlock!’

THRILL…as Marc flubs the opening!!!

GASP…as Doug reinforces our hypothesis about his Dollman-crush!!!

WONDER…as Kirk reveals his secret admiration for characters who just don’t care about anything!!!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Treatment 9 – Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys

A little carol for our listeners…

Here we come a-wassailing
Amongst the crappy schlock;
Here we go a screaming
Our eyes so wide with shock.

Shock at how bad this week’s film is, that is.

Yes, the season of giving is upon us! As we sip our spiced drinks, and snuggle warmly to our MP3 players, we here at Schlock Treatment offer our listeners this humble gift of….

Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys

Sorry…it was sort of a last minute thing. All the shops were closed. It was the only thing we could find at the convenience store…well, it was this or getting everyone some jerky and a bottle of anti-freeze.

So, if you were foolish enough to watch this film, do please enjoy our Treatment for what we’re mostly agreed is the worst film we’ve discussed so far.

NESTLE…all snug in your wee little beds, as Kirk serenades us with Christmas cheer!!!

SPRING…to the window and throw open the sash for some fresh air, as we reveal the rotten stench of this film!!!

EXCLAIM…as you wish you were out of sight of Cory Feldman’s horrible performance!

All this, plus your assignment for NEW YEARS on this week’s Schlock Treatment! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Treatment 8 – Dollman vs. Demonic Toys

They’re baaaaaaaack!

Yes, this week’s treatment marks the return of the world’s most irritating toys. And this time, they’re up against our favorite 13″ tall cop, Brick Bardo, a.k.a. Dollman!

The movie is , of course, Dollman vs. Demonic Toys! And at an appropriately diminutive  62 minutes in run-time, it’s one of the easiest films to watch so far. Tim Thomerson returns as Brick Bardo, and this time he happily gets a girlfriend in the form of Nurse Ginger. She makes a return appearance, played by Melissa Behr,  after her shrinking by aliens in another Full Moon film, Bad Channels. If the other Full Moon Entertainment films are any indication, you should avoid it.

Add the return of Tracy Scoggins as demon-bait cop, Judith Grey (from Demonic Toys), and you have a showdown of epic proportions just waiting to be botched utterly by the inept folks at Full Moon! Don’t worry, they don’t disappoint.

SWOON… as the ST gang wonders what it would be like to be inside the beautiful Nurse Ginger’s drawers!!!

CRINGE… as Doug treats us to a reminder of the horribly repetitive giggle of the Jack-in-the-Box Toy!!!

GROAN… as pedantry about inaccuracies of scale makes a return appearance!!!

All this and more is in store for you on this week’s episode of Schlock Treatment!

Treatment 6 -Demonic Toys

Toys, toys, toys!!

What could be more appropriate this time of year than focusing on the items of all of our childhood desires? Of course, we lusted after Transformers, the Hoth Playset, the Snake Mountain with the voice altering microphone, and the Knight Rider Big Wheel. This week’s Treatment, however, features a foul-mouthed baby doll, a snake-clown hybrid-in-the-box, and a ravenous, razor-toother teddy bear of varying size. Could be worse….you could get socks and underwear!

Yes, this week’s Treatment is the oddly derivative, and yet somehow unique Demonic Toys! If you watched it, then you’re probably like us in that you have no idea what the heck was going on. Sixty-six year old demons? Tricycle-riding, gas mask wearing girls turned hustler centerfolds? Hall and Oats as arms dealers?!?!?!

SCRATCH YOUR HEAD…. as we try to puzzle the plausibility of trick-or-treating in 1925!!

BLUSH…. as Marc rather embarrassingly admits he recalls the lead actress from Dynasty!!

LOOK BACK…. on old Treatments, as Kirk and Doug shame Marc with endless call backs to his previous blunders!!

Welcome to another glorious episode of Schlock Treatment!