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Treatment 173 – Big Trouble in Little China

BigMonsterHey…after last week’s betrayal we felt a little bad, so this week we’re making it up to our listeners with a classic bit of schlock! Well…it’s schlocky, but also amazing. So is it schlock? Who the fuck knows. We should probably have this figured out by now. Anyway…you’re welcome.

Big Trouble in Little China

This Week: Kirk drops an amazing Hoggle impression!! Matt talks all about Randy Quaid’s Big Weird Bankrupt Dick!!! Doug makes a bunch of references that go over Marc’s head!! And Marc is overly detailed in his monster classification system!!!

Next Time: It’s Ahnold, making his triumphant return in The Running Man!!

Treatment 140 – Street Fighter

streetfighterWe’re back, and Doug returns from his mini hiatus! Um…but Matt disappears into the void instead! It’s like some kind of weird curse! We cannot be whole again! Oh the horror! Oh the humanity! Oh….whatever.

Street Fighter

This week’s movie is a classic of bad cinema! In a genre where almost NO movies are good (movies based on video games), we manage to find the one with a reputation for being bad! And boy does it deliver! It has JCVD, it has Kylie Minogue, and it has Raul Julia in what might be the saddest final film of all time.

HELICOPTER KICK… off your shoes and settle in as we argue the finer points of how to accurately portray a dumb video game!!!

HADOKEN… your cares away, when Kirk does his amazing Christopher Lambert impression….for some reason!!!

HUNDRED HAND SLAP…yourself to make sure you aren’t dreaming, when Marc and Doug discuss blowing their own vocal cords!!!

The movie is streaming on Netflix Instant, so you can find it there if you feel like hating yourself. Also, be sure to head over to iTunes and drop us a review or subscribe to the show! You can also find us on Stitcher, if you use their service.

Next Week: We’re going back, back, back to before Tim Burton existed, and watching the original Planet of the Apes!!!

Treatment 132 – Miami Connection

MiamiConnection-JohnI think we’ve been requested to cover a pretty long list of films over the years. And, of course, we thank our listeners for recommendations and suggestions. And sometimes we even end up liking the movies that are recommended to us. I think Lifeforce was an example of this. Anyway, we have another flick this week that was recommended by , I think, several listeners. And so we are covering it, now that it’s available streaming.

Miami Connection

This is a beauty of a film. It has ninjas, motorcycles, rock bands, awful dialogue, unlikely situations, bad costumes, bad fighting, stiff acting, and the list goes on and on! It’s a darling of the bad movie circuit, so it’s a natural fit with Schlock Treatment. Luckily, Matt had a hot date with the Nerd Lunch podcast, so we were prevented from going on and on about the film for 5 hours straight.

ROCK… your world, as Kirk reveals his true feline nature!!!

ROLL… with the punches, as Matt discusses the only part of the movie that he really cares about!!!

KICK ASS… as Doug adds a laugh track to the show, and Marc provides the jokes that are bad enough to need a laugh track!!!

Find Miami Connection on Netflix instant RIGHT NOW! We assure you that it is worth it! Also, while you’re at it, head over to iTunes and leave us a 5-star rating and a review! We always read listener reviews on the show, so do it! This is your chance for internet STARDOM! Also, if you’re a stitcher user, you can find us on there as well. Click the button to the right, and add us to your favorites today!

Next Week: We’re starting a month-long theme for July! It’s Summer Reruns! We’re watching your favorite crappy old TV shows and talking about them all month, so stay tuned!!! Next week it’s The A-Team (season 4, “Cowboy George” episode) and Knight Rider (season 1, “Trust Doesn’t Rust” episode) to start the month off right!

Treatment 131 – Lone Wolf McQuaid

LoneDwarfMcQuadeMatt ditches us this week, so we’re allowed to cover a classic that he finds pretty unpalatable. We probably would have done it anyway, even if he was with us, but there would have been a lot more complaining than usual (which is saying something). So, sit back and enjoy this week’s show!

Lone Wolf McQuade

Norris is back on the podcast, with a movie that has twice the charm of The Octagon, even though Norris’ acting is just as flat and lifeless! It’s probably due to the TRUE star of the film, one Daniel Frishman! He brings what is otherwise a by-the-book 80s cop flick into the realm of halfway-decent, even with his diminutive…er…screentime.

STARE… into the eye’s of danger, as Doug read’s a dangerous amount of listener mail!!!

MUMBLE… your approval, as Kirk keeps beating himself up for calling Norris “Walker” instead of McQuade!!!

KICK… off your shoes and relax, as Marc endlessly confuses Robert Beltran with Erik Estrada in a borderline racist way and is utterly remorseless!!!

As always, find Lone Wolf McQuade on Netflix Instant! Even though Doug didn’t watch the whole thing, he seems to have been convinced to watch it by the second half of this episode, so check it out! Also, head over to iTunes and drop us a rating! If you’re from another country, let us know in the comments below if you decide to write us a review (so we know to check that country). Also, if you’re a stitcher user, why the hell haven’t you favorited us?!!?!? DO IT!

Next Week: Finally, Miami Connection is streaming!!!

Treatment 126 – Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins

RemoChiunKirk is away being murdered by a stalker!

So, of course we celebrate by talking serious turkey about an 80s action legend! Well, more like what producers thought would be an 80s action legend, but didn’t quite reach the dizzying heights they expected.

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins

And the adventure also ends in this one, too. No more adventure was to be had. Maybe it’s because the adventure, as it was penned in this story, was sadly lacking. But at least there’s a sad, racist casting of a wispy white man as an ancient Asian martial arts master.

FLOAT… as Doug takes to reading some mail, and shares a story of product placement!!!

CONCENTRATE… as Matt professes his love for Reginald VelJohnson (again)!!!

DIVE… into a rousing game of “re-cast it” and hear the guys pick their favorites for cheap laughs!!!

You can find Remo Williams on Netflix Instant, if you’re looking for long training sequences and implausible physics. Also, you can head over to itunes and rate the podcast, if you like! We read all reviews on the show!

Next Week: We go killer whale, with Orca: The Killer Whale!!!!

Treatment 108 – The Octagon

TheOctagonI know that it’s hard to believe, but we somehow managed to go the entire life of our show without ever covering a Chuck Norris movie. Seriously! In a show about bad movies, we never once touched a Norris film!! Amazing, right? Okay, so we briefly talked about his brother during lesser siblings month, but that’s as close as we ever got!

Until now.

The Octagon

Oh yeah, we got Chuck, and we got him in all his excessively hairy, moustachioed, lifeless-line-delivering glory!! The Octagon, might just be the most boring ninja film ever made…with the exception of Ninja Vengeance, of course! But it’s okay, because this time we had the help of the amazing Ralph Santiago III of the RS3Feed!!!

 

KICK… back and enjoy a long-winded discussion about how to join a secret terrorist organization by looking in the white pages!!!

PUNCH…through…something, as we weirdly end up talking about the ancient American laws that ban ninja activity!!!

HIDE… under the leaves of our craziness and jump out and surprise the foe that is boredom by hearing about widow’s peaks and tonsures!!!

As usual, find The Octagon on Netflix Instant (for now), if you feel like watching it. Yeah, it’s pretty inscrutable. We also found the DVD on Amazon…check our store for that. In the mean time, head to iTunes and write us a rave review for the podcast!!! We DEMAND IT!! Please? Then  subscribe for next week’s episode!

Next Treatment: We’re heading under the sea! No, not to deal with carribean-accented crabs, but to deal with a giant monster! It’s LEVIATHAN!!