What could be more appropriate this time of year than focusing on the items of all of our childhood desires? Of course, we lusted after Transformers, the Hoth Playset, the Snake Mountain with the voice altering microphone, and the Knight Rider Big Wheel. This week’s Treatment, however, features a foul-mouthed baby doll, a snake-clown hybrid-in-the-box, and a ravenous, razor-toother teddy bear of varying size. Could be worse….you could get socks and underwear!
Yes, this week’s Treatment is the oddly derivative, and yet somehow unique Demonic Toys! If you watched it, then you’re probably like us in that you have no idea what the heck was going on. Sixty-six year old demons? Tricycle-riding, gas mask wearing girls turned hustler centerfolds? Hall and Oats as arms dealers?!?!?!
SCRATCH YOUR HEAD…. as we try to puzzle the plausibility of trick-or-treating in 1925!!
BLUSH…. as Marc rather embarrassingly admits he recalls the lead actress from Dynasty!!
LOOK BACK…. on old Treatments, as Kirk and Doug shame Marc with endless call backs to his previous blunders!!
Welcome to another glorious episode of Schlock Treatment!
Treatment number five limps into your friendly neighborhood mp3 player after much tribulation. This was recorded almost two weeks ago (pre-Thanksgiving) but the editing and release was delayed thanks to Marc being a tad under the weather. If you listen closely, I think you can hear the cold slowly taking him over as this episode progresses.
At any rate, here we finally cover the Jack Palance clunker, The Shape of Things to Come. It’s a lovely little sci-fi turd in the vein of Battlestar Galactica or Buck Rogers. Except instead of being a cheesy sci-fi TV show with a low budget, this is a movie with a 3 million dollar budget (Canadian dollars, but still.)
THRILL…as we geek out over the history of saucer separation in film!!!
CRINGE… as we ruthlessly shred the producer’s obsession with minutia!!!
WONDER…what the hell we have been smoking for the weird opening banter!!!
In other news, you can now find us on iTunes! Look us up! Drop us a rating! Or, if you’re so inclined, write us a review!
Hot off the mic, here’s the latest episode of Schlock Treatment! We decided to dedicate this episode to veterans, since it’s Veteran’s Day, and all that. Okay, technically, we’re about an hour past midnight. We only managed to record the episode this evening, and rushed to get it posted ASAP. Anyway, as a special tribute, we decided to choose a war movie. For this we are deeply sorry. The movie we selected for the treatment is called:
PUZZLE…with us about the weird implications of the title of this movie!!
CHIDE…the filmmakers with us for their inability to hire even ONE competent actor!!
CONSIDER…the limitless possibilities as we re-cast the film with b-list actors who would still improve it!
Yeah, it’s a painful one. If you checked it out on Netflix watch instantly, we’re sorry. But since you went through the pain of watching this, you could at least enjoy this latest episode. Remember: No Good Actors!
As a special Halloween treat, were releasing this week’s treatment a bit early to coincide with everyone’s favorite holiday for horror films and tasty treats! We hope you took the time to watch this week’s film, Dracula A.D. 1972! Despite it’s slightly less “schlocky” reality, as compared with our wild imaginings of discoing Dracula, we still manage to pick it apart to find lots of less-than-stellar moments.
DELIGHT…as we fawn over the greatness of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing!!
TREMBLE…at the thought of death by shower/bath combo!!
HEAVE…as you try to eat as much candy as Marc does in the course of this Treatment!!
So, grab your pillowcase full of goodies, turn down the lights, draw a pentagram on the floor, and start your reel-to-reel playing scary satanic rite music. It’s time for this week’s Schlock Treatment!
We’re back with another painful dose of schlock, and it’s a doozey! As prescribed, this time it’s 80s karate sensation Sho Kosugi in Revenge of the Ninja!
It’s the 80s, the decade of bad taste, and a movie that begins with the promise of awesome ninja action only manages to deliver a goofy lineup of weird techniques, weirder thugs, and unlikely martial masters. That and bland architectural styling.
THRILL…as we analyze the art of ninja camouflage!!
GASP IN AMAZEMENT….as we talk frankly about the post-mortem coital lock!!
LAUGH…as we heap scorn upon ninja ultra-preparedness!!
This episode is a long one, almost as long as the actual movie! So, settle in with a box of popcorn, and enjoy this weeks Schlock Treatment!
And now the thrilling conclusion to the saga of SHE!! This episode still has some of the audio issues of the first, but they disappear partway through where we rerecorded the lost ending to the episode. We pick up in part two just after our discussion of the werewolf toga party, and dive right into the discussion of Godan, the sadistic telekinetic.
And, of course, the episode wouldn’t be complete without our discussing XENON! Hands down the most annoying character in the film, and the winner of our first ever Ernie Reyes Jr. Award for annoying performances. Congrats, Xenon!