Well, we’re really in it up to our necks this time. We totally screwed up. See when we let our special guest, Jon Cross from The After Movie Diner podcast, join us for this episode and pick this week’s film, we hadn’t counted on him choosing a film that’s actually good! I mean, the show is called Schlock Treatment, bad movies is what we do! But Jon would have none of it. He insisted, and the result is a podcast rife with appreciation, insight, thoughtful commentary, and genuine appreciation for an actual good movie. What were we THINKING?!?!

Bubba Ho-Tep

Yep, it’s our old pal Bruce Campbell, and he’s back in what is arguably his best film (What? I said “arguably!”). He plays Elvis (or does he) and co-stars with Ossie Davis as JFK (or is he?). The battle a mummy. ‘Nuff said. Watch this film!

KARATE CHOP… your preconceptions about our show, as Jon brings some much needed credibility to this “movie review” podcast!!!

TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS… as we reveal what director Don Coscarelli said about the film in a (very brief) “Twitterview!!!”

Lean BACK AND TO THE LEFT… to take in Marc, Doug and Jon covering topics like, American architecture, fans wearing thongs, guys getting choked up, commentary tracks, and alphabetizing DVDs (it’s a long episode) !!!

Yep, it’s a crazy week, so check it out! You can find Bubba Ho-Tep streaming on Netflix Instant, on Amazon Instant Video, or on DVD from Amazon! Check out our store for the Amazon stuff. We really, really, recommend watching it, by the way. It’s just a great, fun, well done movie! And after you do that, head over to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast! More fun stuff to come!

Next Week: This time, our guest is Ralph Santiago III of the RS3Feed Podcast, and he chose a much schlockier film. We’re watching the classic Killer Klowns from Outer Space for next time.

After weeks of horrible sequels, we needed a break. Not a break from awful movies, of course, but a break from the mainstream. And so, we decided to cover a true piece of schlock.

SLUGS!

Yep, this is about as schlocky as you get. Okay, so the slugs effects are not too bad, and the gore is pretty convincing (and gross), but the sheer inanity of the concept makes up for all that! Add to that a cast that has some of the strangest lines we’ve ever run across, and some of the worst deliveries, and you slime your way into schlock heaven!

OOZE…with joy over Kirk‘s amazing (a.k.a. totally not amazing) impression of Matt (who is on a short leave of absence)!!!

SLIME… yourself, as Doug quotes amazing exchanges like “those are huge!” “I told you they were huge!” “Huge? They’re gigantic!!” (They’re talking about slugs.)

TRAIL… off into howls of laughter, as the guys wonder at the appropriateness of a pointless rape scene involving Skeletor!!!

You can find Slugs on Netflix to watch instantly. If you look hard, you can also find the full movie on youtube. If you’re hankering for the DVD, find it in our store in the DVD section. In the mean time, head to iTunes and rate the podcast! We need your reviews and ratings!! Then be sure to subscribe!

Next Week: With Matt out on leave, we have special guest Jon Cross joining us, from The After Movie Diner podcast! And his movie of choice is Bubba Ho-Tep!!!

Is this still part of our series on bad sequels? We’re not sure anymore, we’re a bit shell-shocked. Sure enough, though, this is a sequel to the classic disco drama, Saturday Night Fever.

Staying Alive

Like our other sequels, this one doesn’t quite live up to it’s predecessor’s legacy. Travolta is back, but this time he’s scantily clad, sweaty, wearing headbands and loin cloths, and prancing around Broadway! It doesn’t get much better than this, folks!

WORK IT… as the Doug and Kirk talk about the double meaning behind Satan’s Alley!!!

CHASSE… across the stage, as Matt and Marc talk about the director’s resemblance to Kenny Loggins!!!

WIGGLE… your jazz hands in appreciation for Kirk‘s amazing Hoggle impression, as conversation somehow wanders to Labyrinth!!!

This turd is streaming on Netflix Instant, so if you’re desperate to check it out, find it there. It’s also all over Amazon. You can watch it streaming as Video On Demand, buy the DVD, or download the soundtrack! We have all 3 forms available from Amazon in our store! Then head to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast to be ready for next week’s treatment!

Next Treatment: We’re going back to some goofy horror, with Slugs!

Is it really a bad thing for Hollywood to pump out a sequel to a hugely beloved film, even if it’s sub-par? Isn’t it better to have more of the characters you love than nothing at all? That’s what we discuss this weekend as we review yet another disappointing sequel!

Ghostbusters 2

The whole crew is back in the second effort from writers Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis. But are they as good? Is the plot hackneyed, or just as good as the first? Are the jokes there to induce laughter or vomiting? Opinions are mixed between the Schlock Docs, though everyone agrees that Peter MacNichol steals the show!

TAKE CONTROL… as Marc reveals his theories about the Hollywood formula for sequels!!!

CALL… who you’re going to, as Doug tells the hilarious tale of his drunk friend who fell in the screening of Mr. Bean!!!

BE FILLING WITH JOYFULNESS… as the guys do multiple Jannosh impressions, and declare him the best thing about this movie!!!

Ghostbusters 2 is available streaming on Netflix Instant and on Crackle! It’s also free to stream on Amazon for Prime Members, so look for it in our store! Then be sure to head over to iTunes and rate the podcast! Also, subscribe for next week, when we’ll bring you yet another awful sequel!

Next Treatment: We bring you one more bad sequel with Staying Alive!

This week finds the Schlock Docs continuing their exploration of the very worst sequels to “good” or respected movies. After covering the worst sequel to a musical ever, we move into sci-fi with a follow-up to Cronenberg‘s disturbing and thoughtful remake, The Fly.

The Fly II

We can’t help but scoff at the total lack of plot, and the downright gratuitous gore. We also scoff that the strange love story, the weird character of Martin Brundle played by Eric Stoltz, and the appearance of none other than Daphne Zuniga (a.k.a. Princess Vespa of Spaceballs fame).

TRANSFORM… your otherwise dull afternoon into an amazing one as Kirk flubs the opening, Marc eats chocolate, and Matt and Doug run out of things to say!!!

TRANSMOGRIFY… your feelings of ennui as Matt compares the movie’s mutant dog to Sprocket from Fraggle Rock!!!

TRANSPORT… to a world where the ST gang argues about whether they would want to live in a world where transporters exist, but Star Trek doesn’t!!!

The Fly II is currently available to watch instantly on Netflix. If you would prefer to own this gem on DVD, you can find it in the DVD section of our store! Then, after watching this one, head to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast. That’s the best way to ensure you’ll be able to join us next week for more fun!

Next Week: We continue with a sequel to one of the greatest comedy/sci-fi films of all time, Ghostbusters 2!!! This one should be tons of fun, so join us!

Remember the heady days of the great musicals? Like Funny Girl, Sweet Charity, The Music Man, and of course Grease! Now remember the 80s? Remember how everything was a pale imitation of those better times? You don’t??!? Then you need to tune into this week’s episode!

Grease 2

Yeah, this movie doesn’t live up to it’s namesake. It features Adrien Zmed, Michelle Pfeiffer, and a super-dreamy Maxwell Caulfield, but still manages to be an utter failure. Apparently this surprised the film’s makers as well. Well, we tear it apart bit by bit, and try to put our finger on what killed this film.

SCORE… when Kirk unwittingly reads from his doctored notes!!!

DO IT FOR YOUR COUNTRY… when Matt accuses Marc of saying something, he denies it, then flashes back to recall saying it, proving that Matt was right!!!

WONDER WHO THAT GUY IS… when Doug can’t remember who that guy is!!!

Grease 2 is available to stream on Netflix Instant. We also found it available for digital download from Amazon…find it in our store, along with the DVD and the soundtrack! Then head over to iTunes and subscribe for next week’s episode of the podcast!!

Next Week: We continue our Bad Sequel series, with The Fly II!!

After a long stretch of boring truck movies, we decided to bring some action to the show! To that end, we’re doing a string of bad sequels to great films! And we’re kicking it off, with the sequel to a sword and sorcery classic!

Conan the Destroyer

Destroyer fails on several counts despite a great cast and a wonderful template from the first film, Conan the Barbarian! It features a meandering, and pointless plot, an exceedingly annoying sidekick, and a relative lack of nudity and gore. Disappointing, to say the least. The schlock docs all admit to enjoying it, despite it’s shortcomings, though.

GRAB IT… with us, as we discuss the joys of Grace Jones‘ performance!!!

TAKE IT… as we read a couple iTunes reviews, and reveal an Easter egg (just in time for easter) on our iTunes page!!!

PUNCH THE CAMEL… again, and again, as we somehow manage to discuss Titanic, Indiana Jones, and an imaginary conversation between André the Giant and Arnold Schwarzenegger!!!

You can find Conan the Destroyer on Netflix, and in our store as either an Amazon Video on Demand, or a DVD! You can also go to iTunes to find the aforementioned Easter Egg in Johnny Slick‘s review! While you’re there, subscribe to the podcast, rate us, and write us a review!

Next Week: We continue with bad sequels to good films, and revisit the musical genre! We cover the mediocre sequel, Grease 2!!

Finally, at long last, we come to the end of Large March!

That means we have finally reached the end of our month of truck-related films, and not a moment too soon! After sitting through some of the most boring, uneventful pieces of pure dreck ever committed to celluloid, we round out our month with a Stephen King film!

Maximum Overdrive

This one features King directing his own work, so you know it’s going to be awful! We have soda machines shooting cans out with enough force to kill, hypnotic video game machines, and (of course) a truck with a giant goblin head on the front. We also have Emilio Estevez and Pat Hingle surrounded by guns, rednecks, and poop jokes!

FLOOR IT… as the guys start the show reading one of the strangest bit of reader mail ever!!!

GUN THE ENGINE… of Large March as we laugh at what may be some of the most ridiculous inconsistencies in a story ever!!!

EXPLODE… in a giant ball of fire, as we mark the end of Large March with the awarding of an ERJ Award!!!

Maximum Overdrive is available in full on You Tube, if you know how to search for it. If you don’t (like all of the co-hosts of this podcast), you can just go here. We couldn’t find it streaming on Amazon, but we did find the DVD version for a pretty good price, which you can find in our store!

As always, be sure to look for the podcast iTunes, write us a review, and subscribe for more fun next week!!!

Next Treatment: After the horror of Large March, we don’t learn our lesson at all and dive straight into another theme!! This time we’re doing “bad sequels to good movies!” And we are starting it off with a much needed bang, and Conan the Destroyer! So tune in next time!

Okay, so it’s not a truck in the traditional Large March sense. Excuuuuuse us! Look, we got caught off guard. We’ll admit it freely! We ran short of decent truck movies, and we started scraping! We figured this one would be guaranteed to bring us out of our boring truck-movie funk!

KILLDOZER!!

We were wrong. We know that now. I mean, with a name like “Killdozer,” you would expect a movie to be action-packed! Unfortunately, this one hangs around construction sites, listens to bad country music, and pines for the loss of Robert Urich.

CRASH… into an extra long mail-bag segment, as we try to pad out this episode with letters about the infamous wikipedia argument!!!

DEMOLISH… another truck movie with Marc, Doug, and Kirk as we find ourselves begging for the blissful end of our stupid Large March idea!!

GO ON STRIKE… with the guys, as they play a rousing game of Re-Cast It, in an attempt to turn this movie into something mildly interesting!!!

You can find the full movie, Killdozer, on YouTube. You can’t find it in our store, but you can find many other movies we’ve covered there, so check it out! Also, be sure to find us on iTunes, drop us a rating/review, and subscribe to the podcast! You’ll want to be subscribed for next week’s episode, where we’ll finally close out Large March!

Next Week’s Treatment: Maximum Overdrive!! It’s also available in full length and for free on YouTube!

Soldiering on with worst idea ever, Large March, we’ve resorted to YouTube to bring you yet another trucker film! And this week, while we’re still “Dougless” we had some help from our special guest Christopher Boerger of the Master Debaters Improv Group!

White Line Fever

This flick is from 1975 and stars Jan-Micheal Vincent, of Airwolf fame. It also has a few that-guys, a bit more action than the other stuff we’ve covered, implied bestiality, rattlesnake abuse, and some tough questions about family planning.

THRILL… as the mail-bag segment devolves into a discussion about 70s cartoons!!!

GASP… with awe, as guest Christopher drops some very impressive names (and then realizes he’s thinking of the wrong person)!!!

PILE-ON… with everyone as they decide to all give Marc a metaphorical crowbar to the stomach, by trying to convince him that truckers don’t use cell phones!!

You can find White Line Fever right on YouTube….HERE (since everyone seemed to have difficulty with the search feature on YouTube). We also have the DVD available from Amazon through our store! Also, please be sure to head over to iTunes and rate the podcast!!! Then subscribe for next week’s episode when Doug will be back!!

Next Treatment: We’re sticking to our guns on the trucker month, but going a bit off the highway with Killdozer!!! Yes, this famously awful film is available to watch on YouTube!

Check out this cool Lego sculpture made by our oldest (in seniority, not necessarily age) listener, Ryan!

Pretty cool, Ryan! Of course, we’re now left trying to figure out which Lego person is supposed to be which. Naturally, the handlebar-moustachioed leather man on the far left is Doug. The one on the right, wearing the glasses, must be Marc, right? Theories for the rest will be accepted in the comments.

It’s our second ever Dougless podcast! NOOOOO! And, boy could we have used him on this episode to bring some joy to an otherwise joyless movie. We continue our series of truck-drivin’ films in a little something we call “Large March.”

Flatbed Annie & Sweetie Pie: Lady Truckers

This is a boring, lifeless made-for-TV movie that even Annie Potts couldn’t save. It’s got trucks, lady truckers, random hijackers, an annoyingly persistent repo-man, and a young Rory Calhoun! It also has the guys at their wits end, trying to find something good to say about this film.

CRINGE… as Matt, yet again, abuses our listeners and truck drivers across the USA!!!

THRILL… as Marc, Kirk and Matt give a tuneful rendition of the type of theme song, this movie would have, if it made it to series!!!

WONDER… at the audacity of filmmakers that made a truck driving movie full of southerners and cowboys, but still set the whole thing in Southern California!!!

If you’ve got a hankering for some self-torture, you can find Flatbed Annie & Sweetie Pie: Lady Truckers on Netflix to watch instantly. If Matt hasn’t driven you to hate us, please subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and write us a review, or give us a 5 star rating! Then join us next week, for the next in our truckin’ series!

Next Week’s Treatment: We continue Large March with White Line Fever!! It’s available to watch in full on YouTube!

Breaker 1-9, we got a bad movie comin’ in on yer back door! Prepare to put the hammer down! Or something. This week finds us starting off our “large March” truck-movie extravaganza! Tell ‘em “Large March” sent ya! (Get it?)

Convoy

Yes, the first movie in our truckin’ series is based on a hit song, and the CB craze of the late seventies! And it shows. It features Kris Kristofferson and Ali McGraw as a trucker and a wedding photographer, who meet on the road. Then they end up in a multi-state chase on the run from the crooked cop played by Ernest Borgnine. Yes, that’s pretty much the plot.

PUT YER EARS ON… to hear Doug reveal his theory that Rubber Duck is basically Trucker Jesus!!!

GEAR DOWN… as the guys discuss why Rocky’s brother Paulie is now a truck driver, haulin’ pigs!!!

REV UP… your sense of humor, if you want to try and laugh at Matt talking dirty about Marc’s grandmother!!!

As always, this episode’s film in available to stream on Netflix Instant! We also managed to find Convoy available to watch on YouTube, and you can find the digital rental or buy the DVD in our store from Amazon! Be sure to find us on iTunes and subscribe to the podcast! Drop us a review, or a rating, while you’re there!

For Next Week: We continue our truckin’ theme for Large March with Flatbed Annie & Sweetie Pie!!

This episode finds us blasting back into the seventies, and facing up to some social commentary. But, don’t worry, we temper that with plenty of bad jokes, boobs, and (of course) arguments between the schlock-docs!

Death Race 2000

Yes, it’s the cult classic from 1975, not the pale imitation from 2008. David Carradine manages to bewilder us by being cast in yet another role as a tough guy. Stallone chews the scenery with aplomb! And, we get to see lots of violence, nudity, and (no so) rad race cars!

ZOOM… into this episode as Matt starts us off with complete bewilderment about what’s going on in this plot, and nobody supports him!!!

SHIFT… into high gear, as everyone reveals their favorite racers, and thus allows a glimpse deep into their psyche!!!

SCREAM… across the finish line, as Kirk finishes the episode with another failed joke, and Matt sees weakness and pounces!!!

All this is yours, for the low, low price of nothing!!! If you haven’t seen Death Race 2000, you can find it streaming on Netflix. You can also find it available to watch in full on YouTube! If that’s not good enough for you, you can find the DVD in our store! Also, if you feel up to it, we would love you to drop us a 5-star rating on iTunes, and then subscribe to the podcast!

Next week’s Treatment: We kick of our theme month of Large March (get it?), where we cover a fleet of truck-drivin’ movies, with the classic CONVOY!

Do you feel it? Do you feel the beat? Is it moving through you? Does it make you want to move your feet? Well, we do…boy do we feel the beat. Man…can barely keep from dancing, what with that beat.

Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo

Yes, it’s probably the single most famous sequel (at least for the title) of all time! If you grew up in the 80s, you saw this movie. You probably thought Ozone and Turbo were cool, too. We are naturally here to shatter that illusion. It’s what we do.

POP… to the amazing rhymes and beat-boxing of Matt “O-Ring” Ringler, as he freestyles about the movie!!!

LOCK… your door, so you can dance like an idiot and won’t have to worry about someone walking in on you!!!

GIVE… up on Marc, Doug, and Matt as they ramble aimlessly around the plot of this film, and end up talking about Die Hard!!!

Netflix, has Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo available to stream, which is all part of our master plan to allow you to watch this film all over again! It’s not streaming on Amazon, but you can find a link to the DVD in our store! Also, be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, drop us a 5 star rating, or write us a review!

Next Week: We change gears to cover a classic piece of schlock, Death Race 2000!!!

Oof! We are a titch late with this week’s episode. We’ve had nothing but problems. First, we’re in the process of changing hosts, so we hope this will mean faster load times in the future. That took some time for the switch to propagate. Second, we had a bit of a screw-up in the microphone department, so the audio is AWFUL this week! Apologies in advance for that.

Of course, the episode with the screwed-up audio  would have to be this one, because this is one FUN movie to talk about!

Congo

Yep, it’s Jurassic Park‘s smaller, stupider, younger brother. This movie wanted to be so much, and failed in so many ways. We have fake apes galore, even faker accents, and tons of pointless plot points. We also have the return of Ernie Hudson and Tim Curry, plus a too-short appearance by Bruce Campbell!

THRILL…as Marc awards the ERJ Award to Amy, the talking gorilla!!!

WONDER…at the Matt’s horrific hypothesis about Dr. Peter’s relationship with Amy the talking gorilla!!!

GASP… in amazement, as Kirk and Doug take Matt’s point to it’s logical conclusion in horrible and disgusting ways!!!

As always, this week’s film is available streaming on Netflix Instant. If you really want to torture yourself with Congo, try there! Or go to our store, where you’ll find it available to rent or buy from Amazon, along with a complete library of all the movies we’ve covered! Also, please remember to head over to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast, so you can be sure to hear next week’s regular crystal-clear audio!

Next Week: A treat for children of the 80s, and bad movie fans alike…it’s Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo!!!

"It's a living!"

The great Sho Kosugi and the wondrous Franco Nero make their triumphant returns to Schlock Treatment in this episode! It’s a movie that we’ve been wanting to cover since the inception of the show!

Enter the Ninja

Yep, it’s another cheesy ninja film, and it’s every bit as awful as the other Sho Kosugi films we’ve seen. There are pointless backflips, unconvincing white ninja masters, ridiculous uses of ninja weaponry, and plenty of villains in white suits!

FLIP… for ninjas that will only kill for “good causes” and issue a “license” to ninja!!!

SNAP… the neck of boredom as the guys discuss the embarrassment of wearing a wet white ninja outfit, and the strange world of ninja sartorial choices!!!

EXPLODE… pointless clouds of smoke around the idea of properly wording one of those jokes where you say “Marc puts the [x] in [something with 'x' in it]!!!” (Apparently some people don’t have to make sense to get laughs.)

As always, this week’s film is available on Netflix Instant! You can also look for Enter the Ninja on demand or on DVD from Amazon through our store! Please be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and drop us a rating if you can!

Next week’s episode: Tim Curry, Ernie Hudson, and Bruce Campbell return to the show in the famously bad Crichton adaptation, Congo!!

"Uh...is that your sword poking my back?" "It's a secret."

Everything you fondly recall about your childhood is a lie. The truth is, when you were a tiny little tyke, you had some really shitty taste. This week, we decided to revisit a childhood favorite in the form of a Filmation animated feature/first five episodes of a new series.

He-Man She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword

The secret of this sword, is that it’s a cheap knock-off of the He-Man series, but aimed at girls in the most shallow way possible! We have rip-offs of He-Man characters, only the worst traits seem the most amplified. But, don’t worry, all of your favorite old characters are still there (except Orko) to reassure you that He-Man really wasn’t much more than a giant commercial.

CRINGE…at Marc‘s Cringer impression. It’s not a bad impression, Cringer’s voice is just that hard to listen to!!!

TRANSFORM… your day, as Matt describes his favorite character, Arnold Hordvak!!!

HURL INSULTS… at your MP3 player, as Doug hurls idiotic insults in his best Skeletor voice, and Kirk does his best impression of a horse!!!

If you want to shatter childhood illusions, you can find The Secret of the Sword to stream instantly on Netflix Instant! You can also find it available for digital rental from Amazon through our store! So watch it today, and then join us as we talk about what He-Man toys we had as kids! Also, be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and join us for next week’s episode!

Next Week: Holy shit, y’all! We are super excited that Enter the Ninja is streaming again!! We’ll talk Sho Kosugi and Franco Nero next week!

Okay, very often we cover films, and we expect that people aren’t actually going to watch it. They’ve probably seen it, or maybe they’ll just get the gist of it from our conversation. Well, if there’s any movie that you actually try to seek out, let this be it!

The Vineyard

James Hong is definitely a podcast favorite. From his roles in movies like Big Trouble in Little China, to his amazing Christmas album, we love this guy! And now  we cover a film that he wrote, directed, and starred in! If any movie is a disturbing glimpse into this guy’s psyche…well, this is it.

THRILL… as the guys discuss their various reactions to seeing James Hong groping and sexing-up a half-naked woman!!!

CRINGE… at the endless James Hong impressions, that slowly degrade into horrible Asian stereotypes!!!

REVEL… in the absolute incompetence and utter weirdness of this crazy film!!! (Seriously, watch it!)

The Vineyard is currently available to stream on Netflix Instant. If you don’t have Netflix, you can find the DVD on Amazon through our store, and you can rent it there too! So, be sure to watch this one…we can’t recommend it enough for fans of schlock! Then be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and join us next week!

Prescription for Next Week: We take on 80s Filmation cartoon, He-Man & She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword!! Yep. You know you loved it as a kid. Now it’s time for us to shatter your childhood illusions. Fun, huh?

On this occasion, we were forced into the mouth of madness. We had planned, at the request of a listener, to cover Star Slammer. We were looking forward to a simple, sci-fi women’s prison movie. Oh, how blissfully ignorant we were!! Cruel fate had other plans for us. Due to a Netflix error, we couldn’t watch Star Slammer and were backed against a wall. As a desperate last resort, we decided to cover Troll 2.

Troll 2

It sounds dumb to cover a sequel…except that this film has nothing at all to do with the film Troll. The plot is inscrutable, the acting is awful, and the moral is anything but. We discuss it all, in painful detail!

DIG IN… as we start the show with one of our worst openings ever, with Marc eating, Kirk recommending we start over, Matt distracting us, and Doug leaving to go pee.

EAT IT UP… as conversation ranges from Orson Wells, to pedophilia, to corncob fetishes, to Don Imus!!!

VEG OUT… when conversation peters out and our anticipation about next week’s movie outshines this week’s movie!!!

As always, find Troll 2 on Netflix to watch instantly! You can also find it available to stream on Amazon (for a rental fee) or on DVD. If plan to shop Amazon, please go through our store and we’ll get a small commission! Also, remember to drop us a review on iTunes and subscribe to the podcast while you’re there!

Next Week’s Treatment: We bring on podcast favorite, James Hong!! Yep, he wrote, directed, and starred in The Vineyard!

Once again, Netflix has screwed us.

Their vendetta against the Schlock Treatment podcast has been continued, this time in the form of a switcheroo! We tried watching the movie for the upcoming episode, Star Slammer. Unfortunately that movie, when played on Netflix, results in you watching a totally different film!! What the hell, Netflix? It’s some flick called Alienator, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Anyhoo, we decided to take evasive action, and we’ll be covering a different movie this weekend. So, adjust your viewing schedules, and be sure to watch Troll 2!!! Yes, finally, Schlock Treatment meets Troll 2. We’ve been backed up against a wall, and that’s our incredible escape plan. Pretty clever, eh?

It’s a little something we like to call “shooting fish in a barrel.” Enjoy!

We’re starting off the year right with a film starring podcast favorite, Tim Thomerson! It’s another 80s sci-fi flick, go figure. This time he stars with the amazing Helen Hunt, though!

Trancers

It has zombies (sort of), time travel, scooter chases, and having sex with your ancestors!! Yes, it’s everything you want out of a time travel film. There are futuristic 57 Chevys and antique 57 Chevys! There are gurmpy middle-aged cops getting beamed into the bodies of little girls! There are killer Santas!

DIVE…into the mailbag, as Marc catches up on mail from the last few episodes!!!

PUZZLE…over Matt’s weird “Kirk puts the [insert letter] in [random word]” jokes!!!

SIGH…with relief, along with Doug, at the mercifully short length of this movie!!!

Trancers is available on Netflix to watch instantly. You can also stream it for free on Amazon if you have a Prime account! Find it in our store in the Video On Demand section or the DVD section! After you watch it, be sure to listen to the podcast and be sure to  subscribe and rate us!

Next Week’s Treatment: By special listener request, we’re covering the schlocktastic Star Slammer (a.k.a. Prison Ship)!

It’s the end of 2011, and that means it’s time for every show known to man to start pumping our “best of” and “year end” top ten lists! Of course, here at Schlock Treatment we laugh (HA!) at those mainstream fools! We also desperately try to follow their lead, and will pander at a moment’s notice. So, without further ado, here is our year-end wrap up Schlock Treatment style: an award show we like to call The Schlockies!

THRILL… as Kirk reveals his choice for Worst Performance in a Schlock Film!!!

HANG… on Doug‘s every word, as he reveals his choice for Worst Schlock Film of the Year!!!

BASK… in the glory of Matt‘s choice for Best Schlock Film of the Year!!!

There is no movie this week, so rest up. We have plans for the new year, including covering more mainstream “schlock” like some of the RoboCop entries, covering more total crap like Star Slammer, and going back to some non-traditional schlock genres like musicals and maybe even comedies! Remember, if we get enough listeners (10k), we might even cover H.O.T.S.!! So, subscribe to the podcast now, and tell your schlock-loving friends!

Our first film in 2012: Trancers, featuring Tim Thomerson‘s triumphant return to Schlock Treatment!!

It’s Christmas time, and that means we’ve chosen a Christmas film!! And what could be a more Christmas-centric film than a movie about a renegade cop trying to protect a young fashion model from an evil axe cult!! And to top it off, we’re treated to an extra special visit from Santiago Claus a.k.a Ralph Santiago III from the RS3Feed podcast!

Cobra

Yep, Sylvester Stallone finally makes an appearance in the Schlock Treatment catalog! And he brings a creepy axe killer, an over-the-top cult, a bunch of police stereotypes, a cool car, and a complete disregard for the judicial system! He’s joined by his future wife, Bridgitte Nielsen, who struts across the film with a cadre of goofy robots (sort of)! It’s weird, is all.

UNWRAP…Kirk‘s amazing penis, which gets more discussion time than this film does!!!

FILL YOUR STOCKING… with Doug‘s amazing impressions of Ookla the Mok, Strongbad, and other cartoon characters!!!

WASSAIL… some other time, or else you’ll miss Ralph Santiago guiding the Schlock crew into an improvised sketch about joining an axe cult!!!

You can, as always, find Cobra streaming on Netflix! You can also find it available for streaming rental from Amazon. Look for a link to that and the DVD in our store! Then head over to iTunes, subscribe to the podcast, and join us next week!

Next Week: Join us on New Years Eve for the 2nd Annual Schlockies and our year in review!!!

First movie of the New Year: Tim Thomerson is back in Trancers on Jan 7th!!

We thought that it would be fun to return to the world of TV schlock, this week. What we were thinking I have NO idea!

Buck Rogers in the 25th Century

Yep, it doesn’t get much cheesier than this. This is a series that straddles two of the cheesiest decades, and it takes the worst of both. Gil Gerard stars as the title character, and Erin Gray is mostly just stunningly gorgeous. We focus on the pilot episode, dubbed “Awakening.”

THRILL… as Doug croons the “Space Boat” theme song, and attempts another Topol impression!!!

GASP… as the guys drool over Erin Gray, and Matt professes his undying love!!!

CRINGE… as Marc expounds on the future of boogieing!!!

You can watch the entire series on Netflix Instant, if you’re in an ascetic mood. You can find the DVD set from Amazon in our store! Also, be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, drop us a review, and tell a friend!!! Then stay tuned for our Christmas episode!

Next Week: We celebrate Christmas with special guest Ralph Santiago III of the RS3Feed podcast! We talk about that Christmas classic, Cobra!!

Grab your trench coat! Put on your black eye-makeup!! Dust off your razor blades, and commence cutting!! This week’s episode is going back to the 90s, and boy is it ever depressing!

The Crow

Yep, it’s that bastion of 90s pretension, starring Brandon Lee (son of Bruce Lee). In this show, we touch on the strange nature of the city in this film, the strange residents, the strange pass times, and the strange powers granted to this supposed superhero. We also stray way of topic on multiple occasions, so that’s fun. Eh….what’s the point. Life is so…LAME!

SIGH… as yet another episode gets off to a rocky start, thanks to Marc‘s ill-preparedness and bad jokes!!!

BE UNIMPRESSED… when Kirk makes an insightful comparison between The Crow and The Wraith, and Matt gets compared to Clint Howard!!!

ROLL YOUR EYES… as Doug is forced to call for a break due to Kirk bringing conversation to a racial place…again!!!

As usual, The Crow is currently available to watch streaming on Netflix instant watch! We also found it on Amazon for digital rental, on DVD, and (if you’re feeling sentimental) as a soundtrack! Find all three in our store! If you’re feeling charitable, drop us a review on iTunes and while you’re there be sure to subscribe to the podcast!

Next Week: We go full-schlock, and return to TV with Gil Gerard as Buck Rogers in the 25th Century!!

Oof! I think we just got the five-finger death-punch to the solar plexus!!

Every now and then a movie will totally blindside you. You go in thinking it’ll be a fun actioner, with tons of cool kung-fu. Instead, you get a morally bankrupt experiment in exploitation! And not in a good way!

The Game of Death

Yep, it’s Bruce Lee‘s final film. And by that we mean that Bruce Lee is in it for about 10 minutes. The rest of the time, he’s played by doubles of varying success (though mostly bad). They play his character in all but the final fight scene, save for a few short clips stolen from other films.

GAPE… at the sheer balls of the filmmakers, for using footage from Lee‘s actual funeral in the film!!!

PUZZLE… with Marc, Doug, and Matt over the exercise in opposites this film is, by managing to be complicated despite having nothing happen!!!

GAWK… at the absurdity of a syndicate boss with a penchant for deadly fish!!!

Netflix Instant has The Game of Death available to stream. You can also find the DVD, as well as the soundtrack, in our store. Any purchases from our store are from Amazon, but help to support the show. Speaking of which, we have a special sponsor for this episode!! Be sure to check out James Hong‘s new Christmas CD, Hong for the Holidays! And be sure to subscribe to the podcast on itunes to be ready for next week!

Your Next Treatment: We’re following up Bruce Lee‘s final film with the final film of his son. Yep! Be sure to watch Brandon Lee in The Crow for next time!

This week is insane! We were lucky enough to convince Jon Cross, from The After Movie Diner podcast/website to join us this week. That means insightful discussion, keen analysis, and a wealth of cinema knowledge! Unfortunately, we talked him into joining us for a movie that doesn’t deserve any of this. But, somehow he still draws us into an hour and 20 minute, discussion!

The Shadow

The Shadow is based on the radio plays and pulp novels of the 1930s. It features a star-studded cast, who almost all find themselves in roles that are wholly unsuited for them. It wants to be Batman, but ends up closer to The Phantom.

CRINGE… in fear as Marc, Doug, Matt, and Jon cloud your mind with their heated discussion!!!

PUZZLE… along with Marc at good guys in evil lairs!!!

SCRUTINIZE… the formlessness of The Shadow‘s powers, as Jon notes that they are never outlined or defined in any meaningful way!!!

As usual, The Shadow is available on Netflix o Watch Instantly. You can also watch it for free on Amazon with your Prime membership. Find a link to that, the DVD, and the soundtrack in our store! Also be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and join us next week!

Next Week’s Treatment: Our first Bruce Lee film! Check out Game of Death for next time!

Well, here it is…the showdown of showdowns between two giants of Queen soundtracks! Yes, last week we discussed the great Flash Gordon, and decided that it was good. But, then we remembered The Highlander!

Highlander

This is a classic bit of 80s action/fantasy cinema, known by many. As you’ll hear, a listener aptly describes it as “one of the longest running, unsuccessful, film, or tv franchises ever.” This film is more sucessful than the long string that followed it, and it’s not quite as eurotrashy as the TV series. It has it’s moments, though. And we discuss them in depth!

SMIRK… when Kirk teaches the art of the Christopher Lambert impression!!!

CLASH… as the guys lose their humanity and begin to identify with The Kurgan!!!

WIN THE PRIZE… as we debate the finer points of Queen soundtracks, and are saved by the man who knows everything…The Fryelander!!!

Naturally, this is streaming on Netflix Instant. It’s also available to watch free on Amazon for Prime Members, or to rent from Amazon. I’ve added it to our store in the Video On Demand section and the DVD section. While you’re there, I also added links to the Queen songs from the soundtrack (the ‘It’s a Kind of Magic‘ Album has them all) and the soundtrack to Flash Gordon!! Look em up! Then be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and stay tuned for next week’s episode!

Next Week: We’re continuing with the director of Highlander, and covering the 1994 superhero flick, The Shadow!!

In our last episode, we wondered about the better Queen soundtrack. Doug made a great case for Flash Gordon, the electronic wonder! In our next episode, we’ll discuss the film Highlander, and the merits of it’s stadium-rock soundtrack. But, we figured we should ask around…what do you think?

Well? Which shall it be?! Drop a comment if you want to explain your choice. Maybe we’ll read them in an upcoming episode!

And so it begins…we enter the realm of films that are basically vehicles for the band Queen. And what a vehicle it is…cherry red, tricked out, a classic and an oddity all in one.

Flash Gordon

We decided to cover this mostly because Doug is a HUGE fan of it. Naturally, we agree that it’s a really fun film. It’s campy, but not stupidly so. It’s over-the-top, but not self-conscious. It’s got one of the best rock scores in film history.

DIVE… into an episode that has Doug singing falsetto…or at least trying to!!!

DESTROY… your preconceptions about coffin design!!!

BORE… into the brain of Doug, Marc and Matt as they discuss what Queen soundtrack is truly the best!!!

As always, find Flash Gordon on Netflix to watch instantly. Amazon has it in their on demand library, as well as on DVD…check our store to find those. Also, be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and drop us a rating if you can!

Next Treatment: We bring the Queen soundtrack showdown, by covering Highlander!

Despite the vast, dark powers of Netflix attempting to stop us, we finally are covering our first animated feature!

Fire and Ice

From the somewhat skeevy mind of Ralph Bakshi, comes this week’s film. A sweeping tale of savagery, super science, and sorcery! But one man bursts his bonds to fight for justice! With his companions Ookla the Mok and Princess Ariel, he pits his strength, his courage, and his fabulous Sunsword against the forces of evil. Oh….wait….that’s Thundarr the Barbarian. Sorry. Oh well, close enough.

SQUIRM… as the guys discuss the overabundance of male ass-shots in this week’s movie!!!

GRUNT… approvingly as Marc completely loses it and cracks up laughing at the scatological nature of Nekron’s throne scenes!!!

STRAIN… to avoid feeling uncomfortable as the guys discuss the implications of Larn’s bondage scenes!!!

Yep, it’s our most awkward show to date, thanks to one of the most sleazy movies to date! Watch Fire and Ice, if you can, on Netflix Instant. You can also rent Fire and Ice to stream, and find it on DVD at Amazon. Check our store to help support us, if you’re interested. Also, be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, drop us a review or rating, and tell a friend!

Next Week’s Treatment: Hitting an utter classic of schlock! None other than Flash Gordon!!

Ta DAA!!! Here it is, everyone! You voted for it in our Schlocktober Poll, and this is the number one pick and our honorary Halloween episode!!

Night of the Comet

This is a classic bit of 80s zombie action, even though it’s a bit light on zombies and a bit light on action. At least it’s heavy on fun, though, with clever quips, savvy characters, and a totally tubular soundtrack!

BUNKER DOWN… for our most candy-filled podcast of the year!!!

LOAD UP… on sugar as Marc, Doug and Matt discuss Smarties, Whoppers, and Mary Janes!!! (also the movie)

STAY ALERT… for references to Marlee Matlin, Erik Estrada, and Hannibal‘s cigar in The A-Team!!!

We apologize in advance for the constant unwrapping, eating, and talking about candy bars. You’ll enjoy it best if you have candy of your own to make the experience more immersive. You can find Night of the Comet streaming on Netflix Instant. You can also find the DVD in our store, if you’re inclined to own this little gem.

Also, please write the podcast a review on iTunes! We need the exposure!!

Next Week’s Treatment: Fire and Ice take two! We’re going back to the Ralph Bakshi/Frank Frazetta flick as our first animated feature!

It’s our long awaited super-secret episode, featuring our first ever coverage of a TV show!

Kolchak: The Night Stalker

We’ve been wanting to cover this show for some time, because it’s a fun, classic horror show that often crosses the line into schlock. TV budgets, and a steady stream of cameos make this show perfect fodder for our show. And what better time to discuss it than Schlocktober?! It stars Darren McGavin in the title role, who is absolutely charming. We picked two episodes to focus on for the show: The Werewolf (Episode 5) and Chopper (Episode 15). Both feature laughably conceived monsters.

THRILL… as we discuss vampires in denial about their vampirism!!!

CRINGE… as Matt and Marc get into yet another argument over a totally trivial point!!!

EMPATHIZE WITH MARC… as Doug and Kirk manage to express skepticism about plot points without Matt challenging them on every little point!!!

You can find Kolchak: The Night Stalker (the full series) on Netflix to watch instantly. You can also find it on Amazon for rental, and on DVD. Look for them in our store, if you’re interested. Then be sure to go to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast to join the fun!

Next Week: We end Schlocktober and celebrate Halloween with the winner of our listener poll, Night of the Comet!!

Week two of Schlocktober really goes for it! We invited very special guest, Jon Cross from The After Movie Diner podcast, and he brought out the film connoisseurs in us! We have somewhat serious discussions about things like the value of remakes, sound design, and the gap between artful film-making and actual good movies. But the movie (voted in by listeners) for this week helps!

Evil Dead

It’s a classic piece of horror cinema, that draws mixed reviews from the panel. There’s also tons of trivia, and plenty of Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi love! Don’t worry, Jon classes it up, but not too much. We still manage to have pointless arguments between Marc and Matt.

BOLT… the doors against the onslaught that is the long argument about whether the Hollywood remake machine has any merit!!!

CHAIN… the cellar door to keep out the random references to Bedknobs & Broomsticks, Beauty and the Beast, and District 9!!!

AXE… special guest Jon anything about this movie (see what I did there?), as he vomits his milky, cottage cheese stream of abstruse trivia on the subject of all things Evil Dead!!!

Naturally, Evil Dead is available on Netflix to Watch Instantly. It’s also available on DVD and to rent streaming from Amazon…look for it in our store! Also, remember to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and drop us a review sometime!

Next Week: After much antici…..pation, we finally announce our first ever coverage of a bit of schlock TELEVISION! Be sure to check out Kolchak: The Night Stalker TV Show, also streaming on Netflix. We’re going to discuss Episodes 5 & 15 in particular, about a werewolf on a cruise ship and a headless biker! Check ‘em out!

Welcome to Schlocktober, everyone! You spoke and we listened. Today, on our 1 year anniversary, we start our coverage of the listener chosen horror films from our Schlocktober Poll! The first film, is the 3rd place winner!

Creepshow

It’s a star-studded, goofball, schlock horror film in the tradition of old horror comics. It’s also our first anthology film! Yep, it’s got a zombie father segment, an alien plant segment, a murder by drowning segment, a monster in a crate segment, and a creepy cockroach segment. We cover them all one-by-one, and almost manage to avoid fighting with each other in the process!

THRILL… as Matt expresses his wish for the death of Adrienne Barbeau…because of her hair!!!

SCREAM… with frustration as the guys endlessly debate what’s required for something to be funny!!!

WONDER… at the amazing guest appearance by Doug‘s grumbling stomach at minute 55!!

As usual, Creepshow is streaming on Netflix Instant. You can also stream it for free if you have an Amazon Prime account! Find it on Amazon through our store. We also dropped the soundtrack and the DVD into the store, if you’re interested. So go check it out, and then join us on the podcast for this week’s episode!

Next Week: We continue our Schlocktober horror extravaganza with Evil Dead, starring Bruce Campbell! We’re also joined by Jon Cross, of The After Movie Diner podcast!

Oh, man. This is a bad one. I mean this episode is a bad one, not so much this week’s movie. Somehow, we just couldn’t do it this week. We’ve decided to take the bold step of warning listeners to stay away. If anything, just listen to the first and last 10 minutes, and skip the rest. That way you’ll hear us read some letters, and pimp our upcoming Schlocktober movies.

The Mercenary

The film isn’t a bad one, it’s a decent spaghetti western with Jack Palance (our old pal), Franco Nero, and Tony Musante. Frankly, it’s short on schlock. Does this mean it’s too good of a movie for this podcast? Well, we’ve covered better movies, IMHO. But it doesn’t have that special combination of goofiness and incompetence that we come to expect from our films on Schlock Treatment.

WEEP… as the guys try to say something…anything…about this week’s movie, and conversation slowly devolves into a free-form discussion about nothing in particular!!!

LAMENT… as Marc denounces the evil that is Matt‘s weird pair of Charles Nelson Reilly glasses (see photo)!!

BEMOAN… the collapse of all things Shlock Treatment as Doug leaves the room, Matt shuts down, Marc resorts to hurling epithets, and Kirk tries desperately to hold it all together!!

If you are a masochist, feel free to find The Mercenary on Netflix Instant, watch it, and then listen to our show. Frankly, we don’t recommend doing any of those things. About the only thing worth listening to in this entire episode is the announcement of the winners of the Schlocktober Poll! It definitely looks like things are going to get better in Schlocktober, so get on iTunes and subscribe to the podcast!

Next Week: The 3rd place winner in our Schlocktober Listener Poll, Creepshow!!

This week’s much-anticipated episode finds the Schlock Treatment crew divided on the schlockiness and merit of this film. It also finds a long list of emails from listeners, and a complaint that drove us to an experimental change to the ST intro! So, this is a red-letter episode!

Streets of Fire

Yep, it’s the 80s cult favorite itself, but don’t worry because we don’t pull punches just because a film has a following! It stars Michael Pare, Diane Lane, Rick Moranis, and Willem Dafoe to name just a few! This is another one that’s chock full of “that-guys” and before-they-were-famous appearances.

GET MEAN… as we read a heap of listener mail, and we get a bit defensive about a criticism!!

STRAP IN… to your leather pants, as we discuss the weird costume choices of the film!!

RELOAD… as we list the vast multitudes of cameos and that-guys found in this flick!!

As usual, find Streets of Fire on Netflix Instant Watch. You can also stream it on Amazon for free with a Prime account, find it in our store along with the DVD, and the amazing soundtrack! Then get to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast for this episode and more to come!

Treatment for Next Week: Our first ever Spaghetti Western! The Mercenary is streaming, and it’s our movie for next week!

What can we say about this week’s movie, except maybe: What. The. Fuck?!?!

Xanadu

This film is a bit hard to pin down. It’s certainly unlike any we’ve done so far. It’s not sci-fi, it’s not horror, it’s not sword and sorcery, it’s not chop sockey, and it’s not an action fest. It defies every genre label we have yet used! So, I guess we had to add “musical” and “fantasy” to the tag listings to help pin this one down. But also “cartoon” (part of it) and “roller skating!” Intrigued yet? How about tossing in Olivia Newton-John, Gene Kelly, and the Electric Light Orchestra?! SOLD!

SKATE… through a series of obscure references, as Matt explains every joke!!!

GLOW… with the joy of twelve year-old humor, as Kirk and Doug discuss Gene Kelly‘s years in the Navy!!!

SING… along with everyone, as they all (at least once) break into song at some point in this episode!!!

It’s all there, and so much more! There are shout outs, and call backs, and totally off topic side tracks! Everything you’ve come to expect from the podcast! You can find the movie on Netflix to Watch Instantly, and you can also find it streaming on Amazon through our store! Also, check the store for the DVD or to download the totally rad soundtrack!

Coming Next Week: Many Schlockers are eagerly anticipating Streets of Fire! It has Willem DaFoe, Diane Lane, Rick Moranis, and Michael Pare…among many more! Be sure to queue it up!

It’s coming, kids! Not only will it be the first anniversary of Shlock Treatment, but it’s also going to be the first annual Schlocktober!! Yup, we’re going to devote 4 whole episodes to the very best horror schlock we can find! There’s so much to choose from, that we’ve decided to get some opinions from listeners. You can find all of these on Netflix Instant Watch, if you haven’t heard of them and want to check the summaries. On September 29th at 5pm, we’ll tally the results and pick from your top choices! So……

It’s back to school time, and that means a desperate attempt to come up with any movie that can be even remotely linked to going back to school!! So, finding nothing remotely worth watching that had to do with High School, we decided to go with college instead.

Hell Night

Okay, so it’s not even a back to school film so much as a fraternity flick. Whatever. Good enough. The point is that it stars Linda Blair in the role of the new pledge that makes all the guys hearts flutter! A bit of a stretch, we think, especially since she spends most of the movie dressed as Mrs. Claus!

LEARN… all about what a GORK is from Professor Kirk!!!

PLEDGE… to never reveal the homoerotic secrets of Matt‘s fraternity rushing days!!!

FAIL… along with Marc and Doug in their efforts to predict the cliches in this movie!!!

We all watched this film on Netflix, where it’s streaming. If you’re really patient, you can watch it for free (in 10 minute segments) on YouTube. Or find the DVD and the poster in our store! After you’ve done all that, subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and listen as we tear this film apart!

Next Week’s Treatment: Our first musical! It’s Xanadu, starring Olivia Newton-John!

If you’re confused right now, you may have missed the announcement that we had to skip the Ralph Bakshi film Fire and Ice due to problems streaming it on Netflix. Then again, if you’re confused right now, it’s just as likely that you watched the replacement we chose for this week’s movie.

Gor

As a last resort, we decided to fall back to our old schlocktastic stand-by of the sword and sandal film! This one stars the one-and-only Oliver Reed, who is as eccentric, vaguely-creepy, and more-than-likely drunken as ever! It purportedly also stars our old friend Jack Palance, though he only makes a disappointing and confusing appearance in the last 5 minutes of the flick. Gor is based on a rather large series of novels by John Norman, who developed this adolescent, and mostly misogynistic sexual fantasy of a world in 30 novels (and counting).

RIP… your sleeves off and join Kirk, Matt, and Doug in an impromptu a cappella “Gor” tribute song!!!

REVEL… in the manly, manly world of manly men (large and small) who wear manly, too-short tunics!!!

ROAR… with laughter as the talk somehow leads to subjects like  The A-Team, Solid Gold, Golden Axe, and Robert Townsend!!!

Gor can be found on Netflix to watch instantly. Be sure to check it out before listening. Also, remember to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes! If you can, we’d also appreciate reviews on iTunes, since those help us to get noticed by other listeners! If you want to follow us on Facebook or Twitter, check out our links to the right.

Next Week: Back to school, with the fraternity hazing flick gone wrong, Hell Night, starring Linda Blair! See you then!

On last week’s episode, in our usual manner, we revealed the film for this weekend’s upcoming show. We were very excited to reveal that our upcoming treatment would feature Ralph Bakshi’s Fire & Ice!  And there was much rejoicing.

Now, we have met a stumbling block. We record tomorrow, and Netflix Instant seems to be having trouble streaming this film. They’ve temporarily disabled it. Now, instead of rejoicing, there is much gnashing of teeth, biting of nails, and lamenting our misfortune. Fie! Fie! O pox upon Netflix for bringing us this horrible news!

But wait! It occurred to us that we could just decide to do a different movie!! YES! That is what we shall do!

So, without further ado, you movie for next weekend has been unceremoniously changed to Gor! Behold, for it features such wonders as Jack Palance and Oliver Reed!  Look for it on instant, and subscribe to the podcast to join us for the next show!

-The ST Gang

At last, it’s our final installment of the Lesser Siblings Month series, and we finish with a bang! Or would that be with a slobbery, weepy moment and a hug? Joining us for this episode is friend of the show, Dennis Anderson, who brings a depth of TV and film trivia to bear on this movie. Our last film for the series features Eric Roberts, brother of Julia! As a bonus, we also get Chris Penn, brother of Sean!

Best of the Best

This one seems promising at first, when you think about the great martial arts tournament movies of the 80s; Bloodsport probably being the genre definer for this period. This one has plenty of action, as it meanders it’s way to the tournament, with endless scenes of people talking, doing situps, and crying! Yes, this film will truly grip you in that stunning moment where the champions learn to do things like jump rope, and run around a track!

SWEAT… as Matt and Marc continue to bicker constantly on such subjects as He-Man characters, impressions, and snappy dressing!!!

STRAIN… as Doug and Marc try to link Lifetime (television for women) to this film!!!

TRIUMPH… as our special guest, Dennis Anderson, lists all the lesser siblings that we missed!!!

As usual, Best of the Best is available on Netflix to watch instantly. So check it out today, and then have a listen. You can also subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, or using our RSS feed listed to the right! We also added the DVD to our store, if you’re looking for a copy! Enjoy!

Next Week’s Treatment: Our first animated feature, Fire & Ice by Ralph Bakshi! (now streaming on Netflix instant)

It’s week three of Lesser Siblings Month, and we got a beauty this week with Dedee Pfeiffer! Dedee is, of course, the younger sister of Michelle Pfeiffer. Like so many lesser siblings, what they lack in acting chops, they are often willing to make up for with a “can do” attitude! In this case, Dedee “can do” nudity.

The Horror Show (House III)

The movie itself is standard 80s horror fare, sprinkled with a wonderfully healthy dose of Brion James and a couple of moments worthy of Cronenberg in their weirdness! It stars Lance Henriksen as the worried cop who put away the most horrific serial killer of all time, played gloriously by Brion. There’s ghosts, and insanity, and haunted furnaces, and tentacled turkeys!

QUIVER… with antici….pation as Matt rates the attractiveness of the Arquette family!!!

POWER… your way past feelings of guilt that Marc has surrounding Dedee’s under-age appearance!!!

SURGE…with Doug through the cast of Cheers, as he begins casting House 5 through House 8!!!

You can find The Horror Show on Netflix Instant, as usual. You can also subscribe to the podcast on iTunes…which is also a great place to RATE US!!! So, check out the movie and then join us for this week’s show!

Next Week’s Treatment: Best of the Best starring lesser siblings Eric Roberts and Chris Penn!

Week two of our “Lesser Siblings… uh… Month” is digitally constructed just for you! This week, we feature Don Swayze, brother of mister “my way or the highway” himself, Patrick Swayze! Okay, so Don isn’t the star of this picture, but we all agree he works well with what he’s given…and it isn’t much.

Digital Man

It’s the future, so of course, mankind is engaged in the oldest occupation…blowing shit up with cyborg/robot/digital people. Also, porn. Yep, we have rogue electric men, porn uplinks, towns full of the cast from Hee Haw, and 5-foot long guns!

THRILL… as the guys deftly manage to spend the vast majority of this episode talking about anything but Digital Man!!!

SHREIK… with terror, as Doug and Marc somehow break into singing “Good Thing” by the Fine Young Cannibals!!!

SQUIRM… in your seat as Matt reveals a fondness for Grease 2, and Kirk reveals a fondness for jokes that no one understands!!!

Of course, you can find Digital Man streaming on Netflix (though Chase Masterson doesn’t recommend it). Also, be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and leave us a review!! Every rating helps us to get noticed!

Next Week’s Treatment: In our continuing series of “Lesser Siblings” we cover The Horror Show (a.k.a. House III), featuring Dedee Pfeiffer (sister to Michelle)! We’re also joined by friend of the podcast, Dennis Anderson as our special guest!

Aaron Norris hates vacation.

Hey, everyone! It’s the first movie in our very special, month-long “Lesser Siblings Extravaganza!” Yes, just for all you lovely people, we’ve decided to take the whole month of August, and feature the very best schlock from the very second-best siblings of otherwise super-famous actors! This week, we feature

Overkill

This one stars the beefy, mulleted Aaron Norris, brother of screen action legend Chuck Norris! He plays high-strung L.A. Cop, Jack Hazard (not a joke), who is forced to go on vacation after throwing one of his fellow officers out a window during a drug raid (still not a joke). He squints and scowls his way to picturesque Costa Rica, where he almost immediately lands in prison, thanks to the efforts of a doughy computer hacker (Kenneth Moskow). Moskow is annoying enough for us to seriously consider him for the ERJ Award!

SCOWL… as listener mail reveals our wonderful pedantic listeners calling out Marc, and Marc turning pedantry into a fine art in order to defend himself!!!

GRUMBLE… as Doug discusses the finer points of mullets, beards and five o’clock shadows!!!

FROWN… when Matt attempts (but fails badly at) several impressions, ranging from an Indian version of Marc to Sean Connery, Admiral Akbar and Paul Lynde!!!

So look up Overkill on Netflix Instant, and then be sure to subscribe to the podcast to hear all the fun!

Next Week’s Treatment: Digital Man featuring Don Swayze, brother of Patrick!!

Sho Kosugi makes a triumphant return to Schlock Treatment with another 80s ninja movie that bears a striking similarity to the movie in Treatment #2!

Pray for Death

It’s your standard ninja-moves-to-Houston-to-open-a-restaurant-and-ends-up-with-a-dead-wife-and-a-kid-in-the-hospital-due-to-getting-mixed-up-with-mobsters-and-has-to-exact-vigilante-justice type of film. Nothing new here.

FLIP… for another episode beginning with Marc in a bad mood, and Doug and Matt laughing about it!!!

SLICE… through the bull, as Matt and Doug reveal their relative disinterest in martial arts cinema!!!

STALK… victims along with Doug, Matt, and Marc as they take down Japanese kids, actors who write their own screenplays, Texans, incompetent cops, and Randy Quaid?!?!

You can find Pray for Death on Netflix Instant, as always. Also, check our store and find it in the DVD section, if you’re so inclined. Also, be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and while you’re there…maybe drop us a review! Thanks and enjoy this week’s episode!!

Next Week’s Prescription: Overkill starring Aaron Norris, brother of Chuck!!

We’re better late than never, this week, as we roll in at the last minute (or past the last minute) with the latest episode. Yes, there were slight technical difficulties in getting this episode edited and posted…namely that my computer exploded. The good news is that I now have a new and improved computer, and we’re back in business! Thanks for your patience.

This week we welcome our first ever special guest star!! WOW! Our guest is none other than fellow podcaster, and host of the RS3Feed podcast, Ralph Santiago III (get it? R.S. III?) Ralph brings a killer sense of humor, a keen eye for schlock, and a penchant for puerile jokes and lewd humor! He’s a perfect addition to the Schlock Treatment panel! Since he’s the guest, we gave him the choice of film, and he chose:

Howard the Duck

Yes, George Lucas casts his dark shadow over the world of comic book films, too! And he does it with the help of Lea Thompson, Jeffery Jones, and Tim Robbins!

GAPE… as Matt mercilessly cracks pedophile jokes about Jeffery Jones!!!

SHRIEK… as Doug and Ralph discuss the finer points of women’s undergarments and pubic hair-styling!!!

QUACK UP… as Ralph, Kirk, Matt, and Marc try to out-pun each other!!!

You can find Howard the Duck streaming on Netflix, as usual. You can also check out our store, to find it on DVD and available to for instant rental and download from Amazon. Watch it at your own risk, and then subscribe to the podcast to join the fun!

Next Week’s Treatment: Pray for Death starring Sho Kosugi!!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the movies…

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

This film is like an uneasy feeling while swimming in the ocean. Then it’s like something brushing against your leg. And then it’s like having a pair of 100-foot jaws close over your head. In other words, it’s starts out with a mix light tension and boredom, followed by overkill. This film stars the ever-grinning John Barrowman, of Torchwood fame, and a large number of people whose names end with a “v.” It features ridiculous amounts of pointless sexual banter between male characters, a shark that swallows boats (and jet-skis) whole, and the world’s most direct (and hilarious) pick-up line.

SWIM… through several minutes of inane rambling about Dr. Who, even though Doug is the only one who has really watched it!!!

FLOUNDER…. in the eddies of juvenile sexual humor, as we discuss the film’s famous pickup line!!!

DROWN… in pointless plot-holes, weird accents, and bad process-shots as we try to make sense of a film that really is only about seeing a shark swallow a boat!!!

All this plus Andy Rooney (no, not really) on this week’s Shlock Treatment! Find Shark Attack 3: Megalodon on Netflix Instant, or on YouTube! We also have the DVD in our store, so have a watch, and then listen to the show!

Also, be sure to subscribe the podcast and check us out next week when we’ll feature our first guest-host ever, Mr. Ralph Santiago from the RS3 FEED podcast! We gave him the option of choosing the treatment so…

Prescription for next week: Howard the Duck

Your treatment for this week,

Ninja Vengeance,

features the following:

• phoney baloney martial arts philosophy revolving around a form that essentially praises stabbing in the back
• the most blatant kind of racist movie villain
• sub-community-theater-group acting
• eponymous motorcycles!

But all of these things only make it seem about 4000 times more interesting than it ever manages to be. There are no stars, there’s no plot, and there certainly isn’t any ninja vengeance!

GASP… as Marc, Doug, and Matt manage to have a civil discussion that doesn’t involve sniping at one another (except an offhand comment about Kirk…understandable)!!!

SIGH… as the guys become nostalgic for REAL 80s ninjas, like Sho Kosugi!!!

BREATHE… deeply as we scoff at somersaults, muddy faces, and Wyoming beach dojos!!!

Be sure to look up Ninja Vengeance on Netflix, subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and then join us for a fat slice of 1980s ninja cheese, won’t you?

Next Week’s Prescription: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon!

I guess it could be argued that John Carpenter films don’t count as schlock. Truth be told, we are all huge fans. In fact, if I have my way, we’ll certainly cover a few more. But, from a mainstream standpoint, films like this week’s episode are not mega-hits, so that’s good enough for us. Our choice for the first Carpenter film to cover?

THEY LIVE

It’s arguably a classic, definitely a cult classic. But it’s also a weird sci-fi movie featuring a 20 minute back-alley brawl, aliens that you can see if you wear the right sunglasses, some wildly over-the-top consumerist fear-mongering, and  “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. Sounds like fodder for our show!!

REVEL… in our constant derailing of the conversation to cover such topics as the Gargoyles cartoon, and Masters of the Universe!!

DELIGHT… as Doug reveals the surprise gift he brought for Matt!!!

WHORE… your way into our hearts to get some cheap publicity, like we give to several folks at the start of this episode!!!

All this and more, on this week’s incredibly long (sorry, we rambled) episode of Schlock Treatment! So, subscribe to the podcast today,  and check out They Live on netflix or in our store. Then listen to us yammer.

Prescription for Next Week: Ninja Vengeance

This podcast begins with an apology. It should probably end with one as well.

First, I should apologize for being late posting this. I was hoping to have it up on Saturday, as usual, but I’m away on vacation and the weather was a little too cooperative. Basically, it was gorgeous, and editing a podcast fell by the wayside on my list of things to do. Second,  should probably apologize for our most lack-luster podcast yet. We blame this week’s movie.

Sugar Hill

It was okay, don’t get me wrong. It’s actually an okay zombie flick. But it’s not quite schlocky enough for our standards. It doesn’t have any major stars, though it was produced by Samuel Z. Arkoff (look him up).

SHIVER… with anticipation as Kirk, Marc, and Doug discuss their zombie A-Team spec script!!! (copyright)

CHILL… at the thought of being eaten by pigs…and called “honk!!!”

THRILL.. as the boys discuss dirty words, and camel toe…among other things!!!

As usual, you can find Sugar Hill streaming on Netflix. And you’ll find the best discussion this movie has ever received, right here on Schlock Treatment! So subscribe to the podcast today, and join our massive fan base! Drop us a line, while you’re at it. We’d love to hear from you.

Treatment for Two Weeks From Now: They Live!

I hereby officially apologize for this episode.

It all starts innocently enough, as we crack jokes and chit-chat about this week’s movie. The movie is yet another horribly incompetent sword and sorcery flick, that’s made even worse by the presence of director Joe D’Amato, who I’m told also directed the famously bad Troll 2. The film is

The Quest for the Mighty Sword

It features Eric Allan Kramer, who’s actually a decent character actor. But the film itself is unsalvageably mired in an inscrutable plot, ridiculous action, and overuse of the horrible troll costumes from the Troll franchise.

All that is well and good, but as the podcast (subscribe today, folks) progresses, it slowly decays into a mix of ADD off-topic ramblings and arguments between the hosts. It got a bit out of control and for that we apologize.

GASP… as Marc throws a mini temper-tantrum when Matt interrupts his joke!!!

THRILL… at the new “crazy time” format of the podcast!!!

FEEL… Marc’s frustration when the guys make every effort to piss him off a second time as he tries (in vain) to end the podcast!!!

Yep, it’s thrilling stuff. Again, our apologies. Look for Quest for the Mighty Sword on Netflix Instant, watch as much as you can stand, and then join us for this week’s Schlock Treatment podcast!

Next Week’s Prescription: Sugar Hill (find it on Netflix Instant)

We’re a week late for Memorial Day, but better late than never. We thought that we would honor our fallen veterans by celebrating ridiculously over-the-top violence! And no movie does it quite like this one.

Commando

Most will recall this film from the 80s, because it was actually a pretty successful release. Naturally, it stars Arnold Schwarzenegger in the title role, and also features Alyssa Milano as his beloved, but kidnapped, daughter. It also has Rae Dawn Chong as a rather put-upon stewardess, who gets wrapped up in a world of sea planes and rocket launchers!

FILL UP… on Matt and Doug giggling away over the idea of Marc mispronouncing his name as “Mork MarcDonald!!” (You’ll get your fill of this, I assure you.)

DRINK IN… the first Marc-Free moment, when Marc has to leave the room due sudden onset of hiccups!!!

FREAK OUT… as Kirk makes an unexpected telephone cameo!!!

As usual, the film is available for streaming on Netflix Instant. You can also find it for instant rental and on DVD in our store! You might be able to find the famed Encino Man novelization in our store, as well…in case you’re looking for it. Listen to the podcast to find out why it’s famous. All this and more on this week’s Schlock Treatment!

Seeing as it’s around that time of year, we thought it appropriate that we cover a film about one of the most important stages of a young person’s life. But since 1983′s Losin’ It wasn’t available, we figured we would cover 1981′s…

Graduation Day!

I should point out that nobody in my home town ever made the kind of event out of our high school graduation that this town did. We just walked down, got the piece of paper, and then everyone went home to their various small, private parties which mostly consisted of relatives and somewhat bored friends. But, then, maybe my own experience was not up to the national par. Maybe everyone had major disco roller-derbies with live bands and gangster glam-rockers.

Anyhoo, Graduation Day, we were disappointed to learn, is a Troma release. We all shuddered upon the Troma logo appearing in the credits.  In this episode, Kirk Howle reveals the source of his revulsion for Troma films. Namely that he worked for them, for a short time. He also shares the AMAZING COVER LETTER (click on the photo at right to embiggen) that got him the job! HOLY SHIT! It’s awesome that anyone would send this to a company as a cover letter! Check it out!

WONDER… about the secret life of missing co-host, Matt Ringler, as we discuss why he’s absent!!!

WANDER… down memory lane, as Doug, Marc, & Kirk discuss recently deceased wrestler, Randy Savage!!!

WAVER… just a bit, at the thought of us actually not hating a Troma film!!!

For all that, and to hear Kirk’s Troma story, listen to the latest episode. Then be sure to subscribe to the podcast for more episodes of Schlock Treatment!

We’re out just in time! If you hurry and download now, you can listen to this episode before the rapture! That’s, of course, if you’re in the US. All of our friends in Europe and Asia are already raptured…or enduring the tribulation. Hey, maybe your tribulation is supposed to be this week’s movie! It’s a little samurai movie from the 80s called…

Ghost Warrior!

Yeah, it’s got an unfrozen samurai, some goombah NYC cops (in LA), a multi-cultural gang (they always are), and an evil (for no apparent reason) cryogenic scientist. All that plus our dead-eyed heroine, a Japanese historian who thinks feeding a 400 year-old samurai Nissin Cup Noodles is perfectly legit.

PAUSE… and wonder at the breadth of knowledge our hosts display as they spout some Japanese phrases!!!

FAST FORWARD… through the part where Matt goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on….about Encino Man!!!

PLAY… along as the gang plays a spirited game of Re-Cast It!!!

All this fun on one episode of Schlock Treatment?!?!? It doesn’t seem possible!! But it is! So be sure to subscribe to the podcast and check it out!

A train leaves San Francisco going 125 miles per hour. Another train leaves L.A. also traveling at 125 miles per hour. Yes, it’s that old, hackneyed math problem…THE MOVIE!

Disaster on the Coastliner

Join William Shatner, Lloyd Bridges, and an all-star cast as they battle an unbalanced Bluto from Popeye who has been popping pills and playing with kittens! No, seriously, that’s what happens. Bluto is trying to crash a couple of trains, and lucky for him everything is controlled by evil computers in the high-tech world of train travel, so he has no problems. Little does he realize that one of the trains is carrying the Vice President….’s wife! Bridges draws his gun, Shatner runs across train tops, and Raymond Burr…well, he takes a phone call or two.

It’s also our first EVER Doug-less podcast, as Doug calls in sick and leaves us holding the fetid, made-for-TV bag that is this film. But, don’t worry, we get our revenge by endlessly shaming him, and maing jokes at his expense. HA!

THRILL… as Matt & Marc open the show with a bad case of the giggles!!!

GASP… as Kirk tries in vain to impersonate Doug, go to the bathroom, and imitate the movie’s soundtrack!!!

RECOIL… in terror as Marc discovers the reverb effect on the mixer!!!

Yes, it’s a much anticipated new episode of Schlock Treatment! So look up Disaster on the Coastliner on Netflix Instant, and the subscribe to the podcast on iTunes! Your very LIFE may depend on it!

M is for the moments of sheer madness.

O is for “Oh my freakin’ god!”

T is for the therapy the writer needs.

H is for the horrible visions of mom teaching serial killing.

E is for the end which makes no sense.

R is for the rape, rape, rape and more rape that this screenwriter somehow thought fit into the otherwise goofy tone of the movie without any issue.

Put them together and you have…

Mother’s Day

A mess of a film from Troma, of all people. But it’s not a mess for the usual Troma reasons like cheesy dialogue, and hackneyed jokes. It’s a mess because it projects the tone of a silly slasher throwaway, and the blindsides you with a truly weird glimpse into the writer’s psyche, with rape, abuse, murder, and sick incestuous weirdness.

All we can say is, if you watched this on our account. We are truly sorry. If you’re desperate to see it, it’s available on Netflix to watch instantly. Again….not recommended. But we DO recommend checking out the podcast to see how we desperately try to rationalize the choices that this director made.

A funny thing happens with memories. Somehow, we think we remember things so perfectly, even as far back as childhood. Then something happens that proves us horribly, terribly wrong…like watching Swamp Thing.

Yes, it still stars Dick Durok and Adrienne Barbeau. But lets just say that my standards for great cinema have risen slightly since I was eight. There’s a badly done rubber suit, a hare-brained plot, and (according to Matt) some sub-par t&a!

CULTIVATE… your Wes Craven knowledge as Kirk does his Wishmaster impression!!!

VEG OUT… as the gang discusses the logistics of growing a “swamp penis!!!”

REAP… the rewards of another episode’s meandering discussion on topics like wearing rubber suits filled with Vaseline, A-Team vs. Knight Rider, Stompin’ the Yard, and He-Man!!!

All that crammed artfully into another grand episode of Schlock Treatment! So look for Swamp Thing on Netflix or Hulu, and then check out the podcast!

This film settles it, I think. It may be the final proof that 80s movies were truly the height of schlock cinema, probably a by-product of the invention of video. So, if you were a faithful Schlock Treatment listener, and watched this film on our say-so…well, we’re sorry. But remember, this is for your own good! What better example of the healing power of bad movies than this film? The film is, of course…

Mutant Hunt

It stars Rick Gianasi, Mary Fahey, Ron Reynaldi, Taunie Vrenon, Bill Peterson, Mark Umile, and <ahem> Stormy Spill. I list them all, because none of them are particularly notable, with the possible exception of Captain Underpants himself, Rick Gianasi! Our movie also features “cyborgs” with extend-o arms and a nasty drug habit, many jumpsuits, and lots of random back story exposition that’s way more interesting than the film itself!

REVEL… in the glorious new sound of Schlock Treatment, as we upgrade to multiple mics!!!

ROUSE… strange feelings as we discuss the underpants fight, and the fine art of directing porn!!!

RECON… the weird and wonderful world of Matt Ringler, as he gets a call from someone called “Big Lorenzo!!!”

All this and more on this week’s new and improved Schlock Treatment! So, head to Netflix and watch Mutant Hunt, and then head to iTunes and look for the podcast to subscribe and listen to another great episode!

Bert I. Gordon, a.k.a Mr. Big, hits Schlock Treatment this week. And he hits us where it hurts! Right in the middle of our dairy section!

Well, I guess that’s more towards the end of the film. Anyway, before America’s dairy products are turned into ghoulish potions that will make our kids into hulking giants, Bert will first focus on our *gasp* livestock and rodents in…

The Food of the Gods!!

Join Marjoe Gortner, Ida Lupino, and Pamela Franklin as they fight tons of American International Pictures interns wielding rubber animal heads! Be sure to watch for a cameo by Chicken-Boo!

CRINGE… as Kirk manages to mistake the girl in the above photo for an Asian, and engages in a series of racist stereotypes!!!

GASP… as Doug reveals a penchant for very, very pregnant ladies!!!

RELAX…and enjoy as Matt and Marc argue the science behind giant children!!!

You can, as always, find it on Netflix to watch Instantly,  and can find the DVD in our store. So check it out, and then check our the podcast on iTunes!

We’re back on schedule with our Treatments, dear patients! Despite having just released Hercules Against Karate 4 days ago, here is the Treatment for the one and only…

KRULL!!

This is a fantastic film, and one we’re reticent to call “schlock.” Still, there are those who might look at it and think it has schlock qualities. Plus, I have it on DVD, and was able to watch it this week despite having no internet connection in my apartment. Happily, that situation has been rectified, and I can post this episode from the comfort of my living room.

As I was saying…great film. If you like fantasy films and haven’t seen it…it’s worth a look. It’s got castles, a princess, a heroic king, a bumbling wizard, a cyclops, and a band of thieves that includes Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane! There are mountains, swamps, emerald caves, and the inevitable black fortress. Oddly enough, there are also spaceships, aliens, and stormtroopers….but we discuss that in this episode.

SLUR… your speech, as you join Marc, Doug, and Matt in partaking of a little of the grape!! A Schlock Treatment first with mixed results!

TRAVEL… the world of 80s cinema, as the guys manage to talk about The Birdcage, Big Trouble In Little China, Willow, Braveheart, Naked Gun, Airplane II, E.T., Jurrasic Park, Ghost Busters, and High Spirits to name just a few!!! (Yes, they also talk about Krull.)

PONDER… the possibilities of what could happen  as Doug excuses himself from the studio to go to the restroom!!! Another Schlock Treatment first!!

You can, of course, find Krull on Netflix Watch Instant. It’s also available for streaming from Amazon, which you can find in our store! So do yourself a favor and watch this one…then subscribe to the podcast and listen to us imbibe and blather on about it! What? It’s fun!!

We’re back after a minor hiatus! There was some difficulty in my getting access to the internets, what with my recent move and all. So, apologies for that. But don’t worry, because we’re taking steps to make big improvements to the podcast!

And we’re starting the improvements with this episode by having me (Marc) talk less!!! Yeah, I didn’t really get to watch this week’s treatment. It’s called Hercules Against Karate, or Mr. Hercules Against Karate, or Ultimate Pain…depending on who you ask. It stars nobody. It has slapstick humor and kung fu.

BOGGLE… as Matt explains his profound love of this movie!!!

LISTEN… as Kirk leafs through his countless notes in vain!!!

GROAN… as Marc still manages to blabber on, despite not really having seen this flick!!!

As usual, the episode is available from Netflix. It may also be available, via Amazon digital download. Check our store for a link. I just checked, it’s not. Anyhoo, it’s definitely on Netflix. So, watch this horrible film and come back and check out our podcast for our takedown of it!

The hero of this film...and Mark Hamill.

We finally managed it. We managed to catch up to…

Time Runner!!

Yep, it scuttled away from us once or twice, like the bottom feeder it is. But this time we found it, and we managed to find it before it…uh…time ran away. Stupid metaphor, I know.

Anyway, fans of sci fi can rejoice, because we’re finally hitting another film from the genre. We thought it was a bit under-represented in the schlock archives, so here you go! It’s definitely sci fi, what with being a time-travel movie and having aliens and such. And it stars Mark Hamill, and Rae Dawn Chong! Plus Brion James is in it!! Unfortunately it doesn’t really live up to even that small amount of hype.

SHRIEK… in terror as Doug opens with his adaptation of an internet sensation!!!

WONDER… as Matt confesses to his secret past as a New Kids on the Block listener!!!

PINE… along with Marc, Doug, and Matt for a film that actually stars Harry Moonblanket!!

This and SO MUCH MORE can be hear on the latest episode of Schlock Treatment! You can find this movie on Netflix as usual, or check our store to rent it from Amazon. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, find us on Twitter, and like us on Facebook!

I believe that Kirk has started a trend. Here’s another animated advert for this week’s treatment, Time Runner starring Mark Hamill. Get used to the phrase.

As usual, find Time Runner on Netflix Instant. You can also find On Demand rental at Amazon through our store! Check it out and join us this weekend for the podcast!

Thoughts on the latest xtranormal promo spot? Comments? Use the designated section to add them!

Just dropping a quick post to share this little piece of shameless self-promotion from co-host Kirk Howle. He was so enamored of our Leprechaun episode, that he made this little video to promote it.

Yeah, he is a weird kid. But you gotta admit that “Warlock Davis” is worth a chuckle, right? You can find the Treatment on Leprechaun 5:  In the Hood here.

Ice-T and his Afro of Plenty

St. Patty’s Day approaches, so in honor of all the “Irish” people throughout the world (even those who are only Irish on St Patrick’s Day) we thought we should cover something appropriate. And what does a podcast called “Schlock Treatment” consider appropriate?

Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood

We mostly hated this film, and we expound at length as to exactly why in this week’s treatment. Kirk, of course, likes this movie. He’s a bit weird. As usual, you can find it on Netflix, and there’s a link to it in our store.

GO FROM BEMUSED TO WEIRDED-OUT… as Kirk does his best rhyming Leprechaun impression!!!

GO FROM IMPRESSED TO SADDENED… as Matt reveals his knowledge of the streets…and Home Alone!!!

BE TOTALLY AMBIVALENT… as Doug and Marc bicker like old ladies about who said what thing first!!!

All that and more on this week’s Schlock Treatment! Subscribe to the podcast today!

…we are experiencing technical difficulties.

Well, actually we are experiencing co-host difficulties. Due to illness, schedule conflicts, and general difficulty in gathering the necessary people to record an episode, we will not be posting a new Treatment this weekend.  SORRY!!

This also means that our plan to cover Time Runner is postponed until around the 19th of this month. We will actually be announcing a different film for the next episode in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. We’ll be sure to post about it in the near future.

Anyhoo, look for the next episode around the 12th and a Prescription for Treatment post revealing the movie we’re watching sometime before then. Until then, feel free to check out our backlist! Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and you can find every old Treatment. Or look through the website archives (they’re over there —————-> ).

Awww, yeah! It’s time…

Time for us to bring out the cool! We have another very special episode of Schlock Treatment for you this week! In honor of Black History Month, we decided we’d have a look back at one of the foundations of black culture and cinema…the blaxploitation film! Blaxploitation heroes are hip, they’re fly, and they don’t take shit from nobody! This film’s hero is no exception, it’s…

Black Belt Jones

This film was a chop-socky actioner starring 70s karate sensation and all around bad motherfucker Jim Kelly in the title role! You might remember him from Enter the Dragon. It also features Gloria Hendry, Bond girl of Live and Let Die fame, and Scatman Crothers of freakin’ Hong Kong Fooey fame (and a few more famous roles)!

JIVE… with us to the beat of this film’s funky soundtrack!!!

JUMP… on board with us as we analyze the point of a posse of trampoline experts!!!

HELICOPTER KICK… your way into becoming immune to death by cookies!!!

Be sure to check it out on Netflix Watch Instantly ! You can find links to the DVD and the awesome soundtrack in our store. Then, once you’ve watched it, subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and join the fun! Hang loose, bloods….we gonna hit you up with the medicide…on this episode of Schlock Treatment!