The sixties make a comeback, with this episode. Except they do it via a movie from 1977. Weird, right? Also, we see the return of Sarah Douglas!

The People That Time Forgot

We have play-doh dinosaurs, really bad models of boats and planes, armored floor sweepers, busty cave women, and booze of course! We’re all over the place on this one, but the movie is so bad that simply criticizing the abuse of the laws of physics is boring.

GASP… for breath as the mailbag reveals the first good letter in some time, and a slew of new iTunes reviews that need to be read!!!

FLY… into danger, as Kirk does his amazing Pterodactyl impression!!!

WONDER… at Doug‘s bizarre invention of a Chuck-E-Cheese that’s tailored to bachelorette parties!!!

You can find The People That Time Forgot on netflix instant, or maybe even in your local video store (it’s probably checked out)! In the mean time, head over to the iTunes for your nation of primary residence and write us a review!! Then come back here, and leave us a comment telling us what country it is! Thanks, gang!

Also, if you’re a Stitcher user, please add us to your favorites! We suck in the rankings there!

Next Week: It’s TAKE TWO for Lone Wolf McQuaid, since Matt will be too busy to join us. Not sure of his aversion…I think it’s Chuck Norris.

We took a chance this week, and tried a cheesy looking arena flick from 1990. It turned out to not only be an awful film, and not only have a cast of nobody, but to also have some awful rape scenes in it! Hooray! Also…barf.

Legion of Iron

There is no legion, no iron, and also not much in the way of action in this action extravaganza. Well, there are action scenes…they just don’t seem very…actiony. Also, we’re treated to a bit of torture porn, so there’s that. At the same time, it has the production values of my High School’s performance of Lil Abner, so it looks amazing.

THRILL… as Doug reads the mail, and introduces us to a new fan with a very special characteristic!!!

GIVE IN… when Kirk turns a 5 minute tangent about internet forums into a 15 minute tangent about peeing!!!

FIGHT BACK… when the show ends in the usual style: Matt rambling endlessly, and Marc utterly annoyed!!!

You can find Legion of Iron on Netflix Instant, but we don’t recommend it. Also, be sure to find us on iTunes and drop us a rating!! We read all reviews on the show, so check your spelling! And if you’re a Stitcher user, please remember to add us to your favorites! We’re trying to work our way up the Stitcher rankings from 90000000th place.

Next Week: We’re heading back to the 70s, and back to a picture with some (relative) star power. It’s The People That Time Forgot, with podcast favorite Sarah Douglas!!

SHAKMAAAAAAAA!!!!

This episode features Doug, Matt, Marc….. and Shakma!

Sorry, we became so enamored with the announcer in the trailer for this film that it was almost an obsession. Seriously, this trailer oversells the film in some really awesome ways. And yet, we all couldn’t help but be drawn to the amazing SHAKMA!

SHAKMAAAA!!!

Yep, this flick stars the inimitable Roddy McDowall in a role he very nearly phones in. He’s joined by Amanda Wyss, who is most memorable as Beth from Better Off Dead. It also has Ari Myers, of Kate & Allie fame. Oh, and Christopher Atkins, but we’re still trying to forget him and his mom jeans.

EXPERIMENT… with the guys as they attempt George Gaynes impressions galore!!!

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE… as Matt gets bored with listener mail and invents a cross between a Raptor and Shakma!!!

HAVE YOUR FACE TORN OFF… by amazingness, as Doug drops the most hilarious Buffalo Bill impression ever!!!

As usual, find Shakma on Netflix Instant. We also found it in parts on YouTube, if you want to see it really bad. Also, be sure to head to iTunes and drop  a rating for the podcast!! We love your feedback! If you’re a Stitcher Radio user, you can find us there as well…be sure to add us to your favorites.

Next Week: After this huge success, we’re staying with the 90s schlock and watching the incredibly awful-looking Legion of Iron!!!

This week finds Kirk returning to the show, and all of us back to full form. And by “full form” we of course mean that we are making offensive jokes about whale abortions.

Orca: The Killer Whale

Yeah, this is a bit of a weird one. The film is well made, by Dyno Denelorits, so it’s not that. It’s also pretty well acted by the likes of Richard Harris and Bo Derek, to name a few. It probably has something to do with the godlike intelligence attributed to Killer Whales by the screenwriters.

JUMP… for joy as the guys discuss the origin of the semi-colon!!!

SWIM… in a sea of laughter, as Doug and Kirk have a case of the giggles while discussing whale porn and menopause!!!

KILL… another hour listening to rambling discussion, dumb jokes, awful puns, and Marc having to turn off Matt’s mic as he continually attempts an awful whale song impression!!!

Orca: The Killer Whale is available streaming on Netflix Instant, as usual. When you’ve finished watching that, please drop by the iTunes store, and write us a review! We love when people support the podcast! We also love Stitcher users, so if you’re on there, please add us to your favorites and give us a thumbs up!

Next Week: SHAKMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kirk is away being murdered by a stalker!

So, of course we celebrate by talking serious turkey about an 80s action legend! Well, more like what producers thought would be an 80s action legend, but didn’t quite reach the dizzying heights they expected.

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins

And the adventure also ends in this one, too. No more adventure was to be had. Maybe it’s because the adventure, as it was penned in this story, was sadly lacking. But at least there’s a sad, racist casting of a wispy white man as an ancient Asian martial arts master.

FLOAT… as Doug takes to reading some mail, and shares a story of product placement!!!

CONCENTRATE… as Matt professes his love for Reginald VelJohnson (again)!!!

DIVE… into a rousing game of “re-cast it” and hear the guys pick their favorites for cheap laughs!!!

You can find Remo Williams on Netflix Instant, if you’re looking for long training sequences and implausible physics. Also, you can head over to itunes and rate the podcast, if you like! We read all reviews on the show!

Next Week: We go killer whale, with Orca: The Killer Whale!!!!

Chris Walken is a legend unto himself, and yet we didn’t choose this film because he’s in it! I know, hard to believe right?! So then why did we choose this film? Well, because our special guest, Mr. James Greene Jr. wrote a book all about The Misfits, called This Music Leaves Stains! Still don’t see the connection? Well, you will for 2.7 minutes of the film, when Glenn Danzig makes an appearance!!

The Prophecy II

Yep, it’s a war between angels, and Chris Walken is leading the charge. Also, Russell Wong is seducing Jennifer Beals to make an Angel/human hybrid super-warrior. And also….I dunno, that’s about the full extent of sense being made.

KNEEL… in reverence as James reveals the full, immense awesomeness that is Glenn Danzig‘s acting career!!!

WORSHIP… at the alter of schlock as Doug pulls out his Walken impression (by popular demand)!!!

PRAY… for death, as the show drags into After Movie Dineresque lengths!!!

As ever, this week’s film is available to watch streaming on Netflix Instant. Also, if you’re looking to learn all about The Misfits, you can find James’ book in our store under “other things we like!! The paperback will be available in fine store everywhere in October, so keep that in mind as well!

Next Week: We get adventuresome and watch Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins!!!

It’s back to the horror genre for us, and back to films that fail with a classic bit of cheese from Roger Corman, the king of b-movie crap!

Carnosaur

It’s the attack of the killer dinosaurs, and viruses, and chickens, and Clint Howard! This movie has something to hate for everyone! There are bad effects, there’s an incomprehensible plot, there’s Clint Howard, so much to hate!!!

RESEARCH… a science thing or something, when Marc shares a letter from someone shilling for a spellcaster!!!

EVOLVE…into a higher form, as Kirk and Matt start finishing eachother’s sentences!!!

LAY AN EGG…as Doug performs Was (Not Was), Wesley Willis, and Paula Abdul songs, among others!!!

As always, find Carnosaur on Netflix Instant, if you feel like watching something to make you hate life. Then head to iTunes, and rate the podcast for us! We appreciate your ratings!

Next Week: Special guest James Greene Jr., author of This Music Leaves Stains: The Complete Story of The Misfits joins us on the show to talk about Glenn Danzig in The Prophecy 2!!!

Our experiment in comedy draws to a close, as we attack one of the more schlocky pieces of cinema picked by listeners for our April’s Fools month.

Ghost Dad

Bill Cosby makes his triumphant return to the show, with this weird tale about a single Dad who gets killed by a Satanic Cab driver and comes back to close a deal at work so he can have a pension plan that will cover his kids expenses. Yes, really.

THRILL… as Doug rolls out the ultimate wisecrack 10 minutes into the show and the rest of the gang don’t see much point in continuing!!!

GASP… in amazement, as Kirk whips out a rather impressive Sidney Poitier impression!!!

SHRIEK… with joy as Matt mysteriously becomes more drunk as the show proceeds, despite never drinking a drop!!!

Ghost Dad is currently available on Netflix Instant, so have a look for it there. After giving it a watch, drop by iTunes to rate the podcast!! We love hearing your feedback, even if we really act like we don’t give a crap on the show! No, really!!! Also, have you favorited us on Stitcher? Because we’re on there…look for us!

Next Week: We’re getting back into some serious schlock, with the shitty dinosaur horror film Carnosaur!!!

Oh, man. Does our April’s Fools experiment trudge onward! Comedy, folks. It’s all Matt‘s fault.

Anyway, this week we’re moving on to movie number three from our comedy film poll. This was another of the films tied for first place. I know, right? I was surprised too.

Summer School

Mark Harmon stars in all his “nice haired” glory. This rather standard 80s comedy features slackers, hotties, and douchebag Vice Principals!

STUDY… the art of podcasting, as Marc lacks enthusiasm and can’t seem to read mail without screwing up!!!

CRAM… your favorite dumb jokes into your ears, as Matt cracks yet another “meep-meep” joke!!!

FAIL… utterly to be aroused, when Kirk relates his first time seeing the Toxic Avenger’s boobs!!!

As always, check Netflix Instant to find Summer School streaming. Also, be sure to head over to iTunes and rate the podcast for us! Also, if you feel like being abused, drop us a review or comment and we’ll read it on the show. Hey, are you a Stitcher user? Then why the FUCK haven’t you favorited us yet?!? DO IT!

Thanks.

Next Week: We close out April’s Fools with a show full of awful Cosby impressions!!! Thanks to Ghost Dad!!

The Secret of My Success was a no-go (thanks a heap, Netflix) so we went to the first runner up in our April’s Fools poll. Naturally, we were all happy to watch this one.

The Golden Child

Ah, Eddie Murphy, how we fondly recall the days when you were cool. Back before you resorted exclusively to children’s programming. This one also features our man James Hong, as well as a slew of Big Trouble in Little China cast members. Also, watch for Ben Dover of Fletch Lives fame.

THRILL… as the chatter devolves into pathetic quoting of funny lines from the film, and we give a listener his due!!!

GASP… at the long silences after many sad joke attempts!!!

AMAZE… as Matt tries to argue that this isn’t our worst episode ever!!!

The Golden Child is seriously wonderful, and is available streaming on Netflix (unlike The Secret of My Success). Be sure to watch it, because it’s great, and we don’t get a lot of those. Also, be sure to head over to iTunes and rate the podcast, please! Just don’t base your rating on this boring-ass episode. Also, if you’re into Stitcher, please add us to your favorites and thumb us up or whatever.

Next Week: It’s Summer School! Yes, our continued venture into comedy results in us watching a movie with Mark Harmon. Yeah, well you voted for it…

It’s finally here!! Hoorah!

April’s Fools is upon us! And we kick this one off with the fourth movie of your choosing from the April’s Fools listener poll. We also kick it off with a special appearance by After Movie Diner host, raconteur, singer, and general Radio Flange Goblet weirdo Jon Cross!!

D.C. Cab

Off to a whacky start in our schlock comedy experiment, we come out of the gate with the amazing Gary Busey, the motivational Mr. T, and Jayne from Firefly. Quite a combination. We have some varied opinions on this one, and the discussion gets heated.

HAIL…hail, the gang ain’t here. Matt and Kirk both bow out this week, like jerks!!!

WHISTLE… at the impressively bottomless general movie knowledge of Jon, as he bores Marc and Doug with movie facts!!!

FARE… thee well, as we reveal the cruelest joke that Netflix ever played on Matt Ringler!!!

D.C. Cab is streaming on Netflix for now. Be sure to check it out, so you know what the heck we are talking about! Also, so you can see Busey’s weirdly manic performance! Also, be sure to head to iTunes and RATE THE PODCAST!!! We need your reviews, so any ratings would be much appreciated. If you’re a Stitcher user, be sure to add us to your favorites, please!!

Next Week: April’s Fools continues and our comedy experiment moves on in the poll! Unfortunately, our 3-way tie for 1st place had a casualty!! The Secret of My Success dropped out of Netflix Instant! YOU BASTARDS!! The good news is that we’ll be watching runner-up The Golden Child instead!!

Schlock Treatment returns, and this week we celebrate in two special ways:

First, with the great Therese Mahler (from WFMUs Depravity’s Rainbow) who joins us this week with her cinematic pick! Which spurs our second means of celebration with another musical! Hooray! Therese even managed to choose a musical that ties to the upcoming zombie-worshipping holiday! Double-hooray!

Jesus Christ Superstar

Yes, some of us found our celebration to be short lived, upon watching this one. It has hippies dancing, fat guys jiggling, people who shouldn’t be singing singing, and also spittle. We talk all about Ted Neeley, Yvonne Elleman, and many more!

DANCE… joyfully at the prospect of Doug singing about Jesus being cool!!!

WAVE… your jazz hands about as Therese reveals her incredible knowledge of Shakespeare and Real Housewives of New Jersey!!!

KICK… your blues to the curb as the show yet again devolves into everyone (mostly Matt) ragging on Marc!!!

If you head on over to Netflix, you’ll find Jesus Christ Superstar available to stream instantly. And after you’ve tortured yourself with that, be sure to head to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast for further torture in episodes to come! If you’re anti-iTunes, you can always find us on Stitcher Radio…be sure to add us to your favorites!

Next Week: We kick off April’s Fools month with a bang! D.C. Cab was number 4 in our poll, so be sure to tune in!

If you listened to the last episode, you heard the throwdown between Matt  and Marc about who is the biggest jerk on the podcast. And, in the spirit of that little argument, we present:

The Shlock Treatment Jerk-Off!!!!

And, of course, we couldn’t be satisfied with only allowing listeners to choose between Matt and Marc. We thought it was only fair to include everyone…including all our past guests!!! So…vote away!!

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Sometimes a movie is a bit like a computer generated household pet that waits until you are fatigued, unable to concentrate, bleary-eyed, a little bit gassy, and just hanging on for dear life to run at you on a dark night, leap 40 feet through the air, and crash headlong into your face in a pile of razor-sharp teeth and icky drool. This is one of those movies.

Black Dog

Swayze is back, and puffier than ever! He’s also down on his luck, because he’s haulin’ a load of porcelain buses and guns. Also, he might end up in jail…again! Did I mention the evil ghostly dog that’s attacking him on the highway? Also…and worst of all…Meatloaf is chasing after him, spewing Bible verses! The HORROR!

FLOOR IT… when Doug and Kirk talk all about jacking loads!!!

CRANK THE WHEEL… when we end up discussing listener HotCoffeeLawsuit and his Schlock Treatment March Madness bracket thingamajigger!!!

SLAM THE BRAKES… as Matt and Marc consider having a Jerk-Off!!!

As always, Black Dog is on Netflix instant watch. We apologize, if you end up watching it. But after you do that: are you an iTunes user? Have you written a review for the podcast on there? Well DO EEET!!!! Or, if you’re a Stitcher Radio user, be sure to add us to your favorites and thumb us up, or whatever! There’s a link to the right. THANKS!

NEXT WEEK: It’s Easter (or thereabouts) and we have special guest Therese Mahler of WFMU joining us to talk musicals, hippies, and (probably) our first Oscar nominated film! It’s Jesus Christ Superstar!

Is it the 80s? Is it the 90s? Is it a vehicle for a washed-up rocker? Or is it a shitty movie with a 5 minute cameo from a washed-up rocker who was doing the film-makers a favor by even appearing?

Spellcaster

Adam Ant makes his Schlock Treatment debut (lucky him) in this intensely schlocky bit of 90s horror cinema that feels decidedly 80s. Bunty Bailey makes an appearance as well, as though someone should know who she is. She was in the Ah-Ha video, in case you’re wondering. Also, keep an eye out for the old Edwardian gas mask guy from She.

DANCE… your best interpretive dance, as Marc and Matt discuss the art of spellcasting through dance!!!

TEASE…your way through the “Next Week’s Movie” segment, as it keeps dangling temptation in front of you and then snatching it away!!!

DRINK…yourself to oblivion to get over the constant abuse being hurled by the members of this freakin’ podcast!!!

Spellcaster is available streaming on Netflix, and you can find it in parts on YouTube. Also, be sure to check us out on iTunes to write the podcast a review, or head to Stitcher and favorite us!

Next Week: We’re covering Lone Wolf McQuaid Hard Target The Hunted Death Wish Black Dog, with Patrick Swayze and Meatloaf!!!

Hey all! You know how we always said that we wouldn’t be covering any comedies on this podcast? Well…after much whining from parties who shall remain unnamed (Furlap), we’re willing to reconsider. And what better than to turn it into a LISTENER POLL!!

Yep, if you look off to the right, you’ll find a complete list of some crappy (and also amazing) comedies that are streaming on Netflix as of RIGHT NOW! And, if you want us to watch them for April, we will take the top 4 movies from the poll and do just that!

We’re calling it APRIL’S FOOLS, and we swear it is totally not an April Fools joke! We will really cover four of the comedies listed to the right. So, choose your top 4 carefully (you can check up to four before hitting the submit button), and be sure to subscribe to the podcast for when we cover them in April!

Thanks, The Schlock Jocks

PS- Feel free to lobby your fellow voters for the film of your choice in the comments section below.

It’s back to TV for us, as we revisit a second 80s action classic. This time instead of the charm of Richard Dean Anderson, we’re stuck with the gruff, unlikeable, and slightly rapey Jan Micheal Vincent.

Airwolf

Yep, it’s the show you probably thought was really cool as a kid. We cover the pilot film (two episodes) and it’s loaded with tons of ground-shaking….dialogue. Also, lot’s of heart-pounding… cello playing. Yeah, it kind of sucks.

SWOOP… into action, as the guys completely whiz it down their legs by collectively forgetting to mention the POLL on our website for April’s Fools!!! It’s right over there —–> to the right…vote now!

SOAR… like an eagle, as Matt and Doug crack up over…a trash can!!!

STOOP (it’s a flying term…look it up)… to new lows as the guys discuss other, marginally better shows, like Knight Rider and Street Hawk!!!

Airwolf is streaming on Netflix, if you’re into that kind of thing. Also, don’t forget to check us out on iTunes! We will happily read any review for the podcast, so WRITE ONE!! Also, if you’re into stitcher, be sure to add us to your favorites!

Next Week: We watch Adam Ant in the goofy, Spellcaster!

Okay, so we slipped a bit last week. But don’t worry, because this week we are back on form (though minus one). And we jump back into the swing of things with a heaping helping of kid glurge in the shape of…

Solarbabies!

It’s a post-apocalyptic feel-good bit of cheese with a cast of thousands of wonderful character actors like Terrence Mann, Sarah Douglas, Charles Durning, Richard Jordan, and even Peter DeLuise! Oh, yeah…it also has Jaime Gertz, Adrian Pasdar and Jason Patric.

SKATE…your way back into the swing of things, as Marc and Matt reunite against their common enemy, Kirk!!!

ROLL… your eyes as Marc manages to confuse Shelley Duvall for Shelly Long for the entire podcast!!!

SCORE…big time, as Doug coins the new term: Dawson’s Creeking!!!

Solarbabies is currently streaming on Netflix, and we advise caution. It’s also free for Prime Members on Amazon, if you’re one of those. Check our store to find a link. When you’re done there, be sure to head to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast there! Also, if you’re a Stitcher user, we have a link to our show to the right!

Next Week: We’re taking on TV yet again! This time it’s the pilot film for the TV Show, AIRWOLF! So, don’t miss it!

This week’s show is full of posturing, name-calling, tension, anger, and drama!!

Oh, and we also cover a movie about a giant slime monster made of oil.

Phantoms

This one features the wonderful Peter O’Toole, and the slightly less wonderful Ben Affleck. Oh, forget it. What’s the point? I never wanted to be a podcaster anyway. I wanted to be….a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. With my best girl by my side! The Larch! The Pine! The Mighty Sequoia!

GASP… as Doug makes his triumphant return!!

GAWK…as Marc storms off the set to go sulk in his trailer!!!

GRIN….as Kirk, Matt, and Doug continue without him….somewhat haltingly!!!

Will everyone make up in the end? Will there be another episode? Did you watch Phantoms on Netflix? It’s available to watch streaming, if you want. Did you go to iTunes and rate the podcast? If not, maybe wait for another episode before doing that… This might not be the best example of the show.

Next Week: We might not be back, but if we do come back we’ll be talking about Solarbabies!!! (Jaime Gertzburger.)

Coming off our high from Sleepaway Camp, we descend into the DTs of moviedom. And what could be more appropriate for coming down, than a horror/sci-fi/fantasy film that was so awful it needed seven directors? It’s so bad, that Doug ends up bowing out for this episode…that bastard!

The Dungeonmaster

Richard Moll makes his debut appearance as a Schlock Treatment subject thanks to this truly awful film. It has computers, lasers, goblins, demons, zombies, Jack the Ripper, serial killers, cop-donut jokes, dwarfs with guns, monkey statues, and so much more! Despite all this, however, it manages to bore the hell out of all of us!

GET ZAPPED…when Doug disappears due to being sucked into a weird game of laser tag!!!

LINK UP…as Matt really and truly gets mad at this week’s film for being so awful!!!

REJECT OUR REALITY AND SUBSTITUTE YOUR OWN…as Kirk and Marc belt out the MacGyver theme with style and grace!!!

Find The Dungeonmaster on Netflix Instant, if you’re a masochist. Also, be sure to rate the podcast on iTunes, and look for us on Stitcher! Click the links to the right to find us on those services!

Next Week: We go after oscar nominee, Ben Affleck in a big way in Phantoms!!

This week we welcome special guest Maggie Serota, of the Low Times Podcast, to the show! And as our first ever female guest, Maggie certainly doesn’t pull any punches when she decided we should cover a film that’s practically a master-class in gender issues!

Sleepaway Camp

Yes, it’s probably one of the most infamous slasher films from the 80s, almost entirely because of the amazingly mind-boggling last 3 minutes of the film! But, as we find out, there’s more to talk about in this one than just the famous final scene. We cover a lot of bases…even talking about covering bases, in fact.

THRILL… as Maggie makes her case for Sleepaway Camp as a mirror held up to Reagan’s America!!!

SHRIEK… as Kirk talks about men in short shorts!!!

CRINGE… as Doug and Matt explain the finer points of using curling irons to Marc!!!

While Sleepaway Camp breaks our usual Netflix Streaming rule, it is available to watch in it’s entirety on YouTube, for now…so check it out there, if you’ve never seen it! Also, we dropped the DVD into our store, if you’re looking for a copy. In the mean time, be sure to head to iTunes and rate the podcast, or subscribe for more bad movies, bad jokes, fun conversations, and cool guests!!

Next Week: We pay homage to D&D and Night Court, by featuring Richard Moll in The Dungeonmaster!!!

Does this episode hold the record for the longest film title we’ve ever covered? Does it hold the record for our longest episode ever? Do we ramble endlessly about this weird-ass movie? Do we sing it’s praises? Do we skewer it mercilessly for its faults? Meh. Little from column A, little from column B.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension

Peter Weller returns to blandify another movie, and Schlock Treatment is there! The good news is that John Lithgow is there to cancel out Weller’s blandosity! Toss in a plethora of character actors, a weird story, some amazing dialogue, and some dreadlocked aliens, and we have one hell of a film!

CRASH… your head into a cement wall of fun, as Doug discusses the Jamaican Martian Manhunter!!!

SING… the praises of Matt‘s cover of The Skyliners‘ Since I Don’t Have You!!!

SHOUT… out “Holy Toledo” as Marc and Kirk discuss Matt‘s penchant for good Dick!!!

Got Netflix Instant? Then you’ve got this movie! Head on over to check it out immediately! We also found it streaming for a fee and available on DVD at Amazon, if you are interested. Check out our store for links to those formats! Then be sure to head to iTunes and rate the podcast for us! We really appreciate any reviews.

Next Week: Special guest Maggie Serota of the Low Times podcast joins us to talk about the amazing Sleepaway Camp!!!

This week we tackle yet another anthology film, and sadly it does entail a Stephen King writing credit. It’s another cat story…seems cats are his “pet” peeve! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Ahem…anyway, sorry. As a consolation, we also welcome back Christopher Boerger for another guest appearance on this week’s show.

Tales from the Darkside: The Movie

Joey Lawrence’s kid brother makes an appearance in this one, if you’re looking for a good reason not to watch it. It also features a slew of big name actors…mostly before they had reputations to destroy.

THRILL… as Christopher tries in vain to convince Marc to cover R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet!!!

SHRIEK… as Doug thinks Kirk‘s Christian Slater impression is a Peter Lorre impression!!!

YAWN... as the podcast stretches to 80+ minutes thanks to a protracted period of Matt confusing Gargoyles with Goblins!!!

As ever, look to Netflix Instant to find this week’s movie. It’s there. It’s also available free to Amazon Prime members! Check out our store, to find it in the video on demand section. Also, please head to iTunes, and subscribe to the podcast! Write us a review while you’re at it! We need the exposure! If you’re a Stitcher person, click the link to the right to add our show to your favorites!

Next Week: We’re going full cult, and watching The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension!!

Podcast favorites Ernie Hudson and Meg Foster make their triumphant returns on this week’s episode. Matt also makes his triumphant return to attempting to be musical and failing! For other attempts, see The After Movie Diner.

Anyhoo, we dive back into the horror genre this week, and pay the price for our arrogance by having to suffer through this flushed turd of a film.

It’s a sort of The Abyss meets Alien meets The Thing meets Heavenly Bodies. I’m not selling it right, because that sounds amazing and this film really and truly isn’t. Take our word for it. Or just listen to the show.

GASP FOR AIR…. as Doug reveals the horror of Fish Draculas and Kirk reveals the horror of Juggalos!!!

CLAW FOR THE SURFACE… as Matt complains that the movie keeps fulfilling his stupid desires!!!

TURN BLUE FROM ASPYXIATION… as Marc theorizes that Matt gets drunk before every recording session!!!

As always, find the movie (if you really want to) on Netflix Instant! We also added the DVD and the on-demand rental to our store, if you’re so inclined. Please be sure to head over to iTunes and rate the podcast, or write us a review! Then be sure to subscribe for next week!

Next Treatment: Friend of the podcast Christopher Boerger returns to chat about Tales From The Dark Side!!

I know that it’s hard to believe, but we somehow managed to go the entire life of our show without ever covering a Chuck Norris movie. Seriously! In a show about bad movies, we never once touched a Norris film!! Amazing, right? Okay, so we briefly talked about his brother during lesser siblings month, but that’s as close as we ever got!

Until now.

The Octagon

Oh yeah, we got Chuck, and we got him in all his excessively hairy, moustachioed, lifeless-line-delivering glory!! The Octagon, might just be the most boring ninja film ever made…with the exception of Ninja Vengeance, of course! But it’s okay, because this time we had the help of the amazing Ralph Santiago III of the RS3Feed!!!

KICK… back and enjoy a long-winded discussion about how to join a secret terrorist organization by looking in the white pages!!!

PUNCH…through…something, as we weirdly end up talking about the ancient American laws that ban ninja activity!!!

HIDE… under the leaves of our craziness and jump out and surprise the foe that is boredom by hearing about widow’s peaks and tonsures!!!

As usual, find The Octagon on Netflix Instant (for now), if you feel like watching it. Yeah, it’s pretty inscrutable. We also found the DVD on Amazon…check our store for that. In the mean time, head to iTunes and write us a rave review for the podcast!!! We DEMAND IT!! Please? Then  subscribe for next week’s episode!

Next Treatment: We’re heading under the sea! No, not to deal with carribean-accented crabs, but to deal with a giant monster! It’s LEVIATHAN!!

You know how in those old pictures it always showed the old year as an old man with a really long beard (Langer Dikbeerd), and then it would show the new year as a little baby in a diaper? Yeah, well here’s your Happy New Year baby…

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

First, we should apologize to anyone who watched this film because of us. We are truly sorry, and it shows as we trudge through this awful film. But don’t worry, there are laughs galore….not in the film, but in our awesome show!!

GUFFAW…as Matt makes fun of Kirk’s observations about the movie….again!!!

CHORTLE…when Marc says something perverted…again!!!

SNORT…uncontrollably as Doug does his Raymond impression…again!!!

As usual, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is available to watch on Netflix Instant. Though we recommend avoiding it at all costs!! You can also find it to stream for free on Amazon, if you’re a Prime Member! Check out our store, to find a link! Please be sure to head over to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast to be ready as we bring you more awful films in the year to come!

Next Week: We bring out Chuck Norris, and welcome Ralph Santiago back to the show for The Octagon!!

Hey everybody! It’s that time of year, time for champagne and resolutions, and our annual year-end wrap-up awards show!

The Schlockies!

This is the show where we go through all of our movies for the year, and each of us picks their favorites for the following categories:

• Best Schlock
• Worst Crapfest
• Best Performance in a Schlock Film
• Worst Performance in a Schlock Film
• & The Ultimate ERJ Award Winner

All of our films are special, but some really went above and beyond! Tune into this week’s episode to find out which ones made the grade for each of the hosts of Schlock Treatment?

Many of this year’s films are still available to watch on Netflix Instant, if you want to check them out. Or look through our store to find them on Amazon! In the mean time, we would much appreciate any reviews you could write for the podcast on iTunes. If you don’t have time, just drop a quick 5 star rating!

For a complete list of our films, Letterbox’d users can find a list here!

Next Year: We start the new year off with a bang, by jumping straight into The Garbage Pail Kids Movie!!

And, we’re back with yet another Christmas offering! But don’t worry, it’s not a repeat of last time’s awful Power Rangers nightmare!

This time we bring you the very best in Holiday Schlock, with another He-Man & She-Ra mashup! And while He-Man and She-Ra have top billing, the real star of this episode is our personal favorite…Skeletor!

He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special

It’s a fun one, with Hordak, Skeletor, Orko and all the usual weirdness in full swing…and a bunch of sappy yuletide lessons to be learned as well! They even throw in some new toys…er…I mean characters!

FLEX… your funnybone as Marc opens the podcast hopped up on Christmas cookies!!!

SMASH… the gigantic robots of boredom as Matt introduces a new podcast, The Podcast Dudes!!! (No, not really.)

HUG… your inner snuggly, blue robot dog as Doug and Kirk discuss “deep Frenching!!!”

As always, find any movie we cover on Netflix Instant so you can watch it before listening to us rip it apart! We also found it on Amazon, and popped it into our store, for your convenience! You’re welcome! When you’re done thanking your lucky stars for us, please be sure to drop by iTunes and rate the podcast 5 stars! If you write us a review, we’ll be sure to read it on the show! THANKS!

Next Week: We round out the year with our annual wrap-up awards show, known as The Schlockies!! Brace yourself, as we  choose our favorite and least favorite films of the year!

Okay, so here it is, FINALLY! Yeah, yeah, it was slightly delayed. Get over it.

Anyway, Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas without some awful TV specials. So, we decided to dig up some of the ones available on Netflix. All we can do is say, “we’re sorry.” Well, everyone is sorry except Matt. Somehow he manages to genuinely like the most awful crap ever.

Power Rangers Samurai: Christmas Together, Friends Forever

We pull out the stops and bring you two horribly schlocky Christmas specials this holiday season. They’re bad for different reasons, though. You’ll have to listen to find out what they are.

JINGLE… all the way, as Kirk gets excited about Santa!!!

STUFF… your stockings, when Doug intros the episode with his usual enthusiasm!!!

LUMP…your coal into Matt‘s stocking as he get’s possessed by the spirit of Fat Albert!!!

As always, find both of these Christmas Specials on Netflix Instant! Also, please do us a Christmas solid, and drop by iTunes and rate the podcast FIVE STARS!!! If you write us a review, we’ll even make a point of reading it on the show and making fun of your awful grammar!! YAY!

Next Week: We continue the holiday cheer by bringing back a fan favorite! It’s the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special!!!

We continue the holiday themed films, this week, by heading to the wilds of Scandinavia!

A shortage of Christmas schlock meant that we needed to take a chance and try something different. Did our gamble pay off? Did we stumble on a gem? Or did we get the curved end of the candy cane?

Gotta listen to find out!

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

We have kids in purple underwear, naked old guys (by the dozen), and some kind of obsession with gingerbread men in this week’s film. Tone-wise it’s all over the map, and it very nearly leaves us all speechless, as we struggle to describe what exactly was going on in this one. It features a bunch of Norwegians…or Fins…or Swedes. Hell, not really sure. Be prepared to read some subtitles, is all.

BE NAUGHTY… as the guys discuss the horror that is dickbeard!!!

BE NICE… and don’t act like Kirk, as he makes several jokes that bomb….again!!!

BEAT YOUR CHILDREN… to ensure their safety from monsters, as this movie seems to advocate!!!

Rare Exports is available streaming on Netflix Instant, as usual. We also found it available for digital rental from Amazon! You can find the link to that and the DVD in our store. Also, be sure to head over to iTunes and write a review for the podcast! We love ‘em! We even read them on the show! DO IT NOW!

Next Week: We continue the Christmas festivities with a couple TV holiday specials! It’s a Power Rangers Christmas Special (already regretting this one), followed by The Fat Albert Christmas Special!! HEY HEY HEY!!

Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas and all that jazz!

It’s that time of year, the time when we desperately try to find holiday-themed schlock, and find out that there isn’t much out there that fills the bad-but-still-entertaining category that schlock requires! We’re trying, and in this case failing.

Jack Frost

It’s all about a killer snowman bent on making crass non-jokes and breaking as many laws of physics as possible, in this pathetic excuse for a holiday horror entry! There’s awful fake snow, pathetic excuses for snowmen, a town full of morons, and some carrot rape, to boot! Yay?

MELT…your heart, as you listen to Doug talk all about non-jokes passed off as jokes!!!

SHIVER…as Kirk sings his favorite song about Wookiee grooming!!!

UM…MISTLETOE…the party line as Marc tries desperately to understand why the kid in this film is treated like he’s three!!!

Jack Frost is available to stream instantly on Netflix, if you feel like ruining Christmas. So, be sure to watch that one! Also, be sure to check us out on iTunes, and drop us a 5 star rating for the podcast!! Then be sure to subscribe for next week’s episode, as we continue with the holiday cheer!

NEXT WEEK: We get weird and Icelandic, or something, as we cover the surreal Christmas film, Rare Exports!

This week, we dive into our second hundred episodes by covering another great television gem! And what could be more schlocky than a guy who sort of works for the government, but sort of not, and goes around the world saving the day by jury-rigging his way through his adventures?

Mac Gyver

So, which episodes do we cover? We start with Season 1, episode 5 entitled The Heist. That features MacGyver in an elaborate diamond heist from a casino. Yep. Really. Then we try to get a little more serious by covering Season 1, episode 6 entitled Trumbo’s World. And this one’s all about MacGyver‘s trip to the amazon jungle to fight a giant swarm of killer ants!

IMPROVISE… a way to relax and listen as the guys talk about birds, jewels, fiber optics, and green screens!!!

WHIP-UP… a snack and settle in for a discussion about the lost era of the TV opening theme!!!

ENGINEER…a way to listen in to a serious discussion about MacGyver versus Batman!!!

We found MacGyver streaming on Netflix, so you can catch up on old episodes there! Or, if you want, we also found the episodes in question available to rent from Amazon. Look for them in our store in the Video On Demand section! When you’re done there, please look up Schlock Treatment on iTunes and rate the podcast for us! We read all new reviews on the air! Then be sure to subscribe for next week!

Next Treatment: We’re out of town for Thanksgiving, but we’ll return December 1st with a series of holiday themed movies and shows, starting with Jack Frost!

It’s finally here!

Sandy did her darnedest, and managed to delay us a week. We’ve fought power outages, flooding, gas shortages, and all pop-tart diets. But, now, finally we are back and bringing you a very special 100th Episode! Special in the sense that we’re covering a movie we already covered once. That’s special, right?

She

Yes, She was the very first film we covered. You can still find that episode (and part 2, episode 2) here on the website, but we don’t recommend it. It’s long and rambling, and the audio is horrifyingly bad! She, on the other hand, is amazingly good! We call it one of the best schlock movies of all time!

REMINISCE… with the guys, as they talk about their early effort at covering the film, and Matt aptly compares it to the KTMA season of MST3k!!!

BUILD… on the legend that is Schlock Treatment with several new running gags, and soon-to-be-call-backs!!!

CELEBRATE… 100 episodes of rambling podcasting, as we derail yet another episode, this time with a meandering discussion about Yes and chess!!!

She is (still) available on Netflix, even after all this time! We encourage you to check it out, since it’s hilarious. It’s probably still available in our store, even! Also, please head to iTunes and write us a review! It should be your 100th episode gift to us!

Next Treatment: We kick off our second hundred episodes with something different, by heading back to the small screen! Be sure to check out Episodes 5 & 6 of MacGyver Season 1, now streaming on Netflix!!!

As you all know, Hurricane Sandy has ground the NYC/NJ area to a halt. And we here at Schlock Treatment Enterprises are not immune! Thousands of our faithful employees are stranded in various locations around the city, and thus we were unable to bring you our much-anticipated 100th Episode! The HORROR!!

As a consolation prize, we decided to put together a little video telethon of sorts. We invited all of our friends from podcasts you know and love like:

• Drunk on VHS
• Nerd Lunch
• Badasses, Boobs, & Body Counts
• The After Movie Diner
• The RS3 Feed

And, together, we put forth a tremendous effort that entailed literally minutes of preparation, to bring you….

FRANKENCAST!!!

Feel free to watch, if you have the stomach for an hour and a half of totally pointless rambling about nothing! In the mean time, we hope to have our 100th Episode of Schlock Treatment available for you as soon as possible!

Thanks for listening,

Marc, Doug, Matt, and Kirrrrrrrrrrrk HOWLE!!!

Schlocktober comes slamming to an amazing close, with the movie that you, the listener, picked over all others!! Yes, you voted for it! So, if you’re thinking of holding us responsible, don’t even try it. You wanted this horrendous pile of shit, and you got it. You got exactly what you deserved, you little creeps! And no more wire hangers!!!

Creepshow 2

This one features George Kennedy, and that’s the closest thing to star power it has. Stephen King is up to his old tricks again. And by “tricks” we mean “awful, cliched, boring stories that have the literary merit of a dead baby joke.” Thanks, Stephen King.

THRILL… as Kirk reveals his new guide to making jokes the Kirk way, called “Kirk’sHow 2!!”

SCREAM… in terror, as Doug tries his Vaudeville routine, but Kirk fucks it up!!!

CRINGE… horribly, as the guys discuss the pros and cons of putting date rape in your film!!!

As usual, we make sure to cover something that’s streaming, so you can see Creepshow 2 on Netflix Instant! Head on over and watch it! We also have it available to rent on demand from Amazon! Check our store for links to that and the DVD! Also, be sure to head to iTunes and leave us a review for the podcast!

Next Week: It’s our 100th episode!!! Holy crap! To celebrate, we’re re-visiting the movie that started it all in Episodes 1 & 2, She!! Join us to see how our views have changed, and to find out what Matt thinks of our inaugural film!

Schlock marches on, as Schlocktober oozes through our very veins! You know how we keep talking about all the awful sweets and candies that we’re eating? Well, this movie actually puts us in our place, and we decide to forgo the sweets for a week!

The Stuff

Hey, it’s another satirical film! I mean, this is probably as close as we’ll ever get to respectable cinema, right? At least it has something to say, even if it does it with cheesy dialogue, mediocre acting, cheap effects, and a goofy plot!

NIBBLE… your way through our mail sack, with communications both heartfelt and critical!!!

SNACK… on the sweet, sweet treat that is Kirk’s revelation of who he would sex up if he had a cartoon penis!!!

DEVOUR… the warm comfort food of assurance, when Marc checks to make sure Abe Vigoda is still alive!!!

The Stuff is available to watch instantly on Netflix, as usual. You can also find it available to rent from amazon via our store! We tossed the DVD in there, too. Then head over to iTunes and please RATE the podcast! We love to hear your feedback, and we always make sure to read new reviews on the show!

Next Treatment: Our final Schlocktober entry is the sequel to last year’s success, and your most requested Schlocktober entry: Creepshow 2!!

Week two of Schlocktober doesn’t quite pounce on you.

Nah, week two is more like you drove nearby, and the road signs were misleading, and even though you really, really, really, didn’t want to go there, it seems like every turn you took just resulted in you heading right smack-dab into the middle of it. Okay, I might be laboring that point a bit.

Children of the Corn

So, thanks to netflix pulling Silver Bullet out from under us, we are forced to cover this film as the 1st runner up! Hooray? Anyhoo, it’s full of creepy children (is there any other kind?), incompetent doctors (ditto), and Ralph Bakshiesque demons! Also Linda Hamilton before she was a badass in T2.

HARVEST… a huge handful of candy, as the guys eat sugary sweets very close to the mics (again)!!!

PLANT… the seeds of doubt, when Matt tries to feed a line of BS all about how he watched every Children of the Corn sequel!!!

SLASH & BURN… your fields to ensure proper nutrient density in the soil, and maybe engage in some crop rotation while you’re at it!!!

Children of the Corn is available (currently) to watch on Netflix Instant!! You can also find it in our store, since Amazon is streaming it for free for Prime members!! Oh yeah, and the DVD is in there too. Also, be sure to head to iTunes and write us a review that complains about Matt! Then be sure to subscribe to the podcast for next week’s episode!

Next Treatment: Schlocktober week 3 is featuring The Stuff!!!

It has begun!

Yes, it’s Schlocktober, and we’re celebrating by bringing you four weeks in a row of schlock horror! You voted, and we listened, and now we bring you choice number 4 from our poll!

C.H.U.D.

Yes, it’s perhaps one of the most famous monster movie titles of all time, and yet most people probably never picked this one up from the video store. Maybe it’s because the name is just that ridiculous. Maybe it’s because the premise is a little goofy. Or maybe it’s because it stars the amazingly charisma-free John Heard, and his Home Alone co-star Daniel Stern!

CREEP… beneath the streets of good taste, as  Marc and Kirk criticize Doug‘s impression of Mike Tyson for sounding too much like Ice-T!!!

STALK… the victim that is boredom, as we welcome Stephen Hawkings to read a letter from Matt!!!

IRRADIATE… your sadness glands (you didn’t need them anyway) as the guys talk candy and munch on this week’s featured treat!!!

Be sure to look for C.H.U.D. on Netflix Instant, and block the random city sewer entrance that’s supposedly in everyone’s basement. We also made sure to add it to our store, where you can find that and many other flicks we covered! Then head to iTunes and PLEASE RATE THE PODCAST! Okay, that’s it. We’ll stop telling you what to do, now.

Wait….also tune in next week!

NEXT: Schlocktober continues as we are forced by Netflix to resort to our runner-up film already (they pulled Silver Bullet)! It’s Children of the Corn!

Hey, man! Like some of you cats have been fast and loose with the system! You may think you got the brains, but you got nothin. You’re nothing but a bunch of oldsters trying to figure out which way to face your wheelchairs!! Well, don’t sweat it, baby! We’re gonna fix it so you’re in fat city! Schlock Treatment has the juice for all you mods and rockers out there!

Wild in the Streets

This week’s flick is a political scare piece from the 60s, about youth running amok, and befouling the sacred institution that is the vote! We thought it was apt, what with election season coming up, and our own little vote (for Schlocktober) coming to a close. See those crazy kids take over the means of government and force all the old fogeys  (like 35 year-olds) into LSD retirement homes! The horror!!

LIKE, COOL IT, BABY… when you hear songs like 14 or Fight, Heart and Soul, Little Bit of Soul, Out in the Streets, and so many more sung (badly) on the show!!!

FREAK OUT… as you hear us uncover a sinister conspiracy to hide Australian/Austrian Reptilian Aliens from the public!!!

STICK IT TO THE MAN… by joining Marc, Matt, and Kirk as they discuss the television landscape if there were no old people!!!

As always, Wild in the Streets is available on Netflix Instant. This one also just happens to be streaming free for Prime members on Amazon, find it listed in our store! Then be sure to head to iTunes and rate the podcast. We like 5 star ratings, and read them on the show. Also, make sure you subscribe, so you can join us for SCHLOCKTOBER!

Next Week: The results of the Schlocktober Poll are in, and are revealed on the show. We also do our tiebreaker vote, and reveal C.H.U.D as the movie chosen for Schlocktober Week 1!! See you then!

After covering The Highlander, a film we all rather like, some time ago, it seemed only fair that a bad movie podcast should at some point cover its awful sequel. I mean, that’s what we do, right? Well…finally it becomes available on streaming, even if it’s only the “renegade edition,” and we can cover it at last!

Highlander II: The Quickening

Yup, Conner McCloud is back, and this time he’s a narcoleptic old man! But, not to worry! Rather than allow him to die of natural causes, evil overlords time travelers from another planet the very distant past, for some reason, decide to come after McCloud, make him young again, and give him a chance to disable a planetary shield that he built because the ozone layer depleted. Yeah, it didn’t make any sense to us either. Did we mention that Connery is back for no apparent reason as the Scottish/Egyptian/Spaniard Ramirez? Oy vey!

THRILL… as Matt returns to the show to share obscure quips and random references to Bruce Springsteen songs!!!

SHIVER… at the merest mention of Christopher Walken making this film a million times better, had he been in it!!!

QUIVER… in ecstasy as the guys talk medical terminology, female anatomy, and Sean Connery‘s knowledge of both (or maybe only the latter)!!!

You can find Highlander II on Netflix instant, for now. We also have the DVD available in our store, for now. Look, availability of this film is spotty, is all we’re saying. Anyhoo, if you get a chance to watch it, do. Then head over to iTunes and rate the podcast there! If you’re lucky, we’ll read your amazing 5-star review on the show! Also, be sure to subscribe for next week!

Next Week: We’re heading back in film history to a political screed from the 60s! It’s the youth movement taking over, in Wild in the Streets!!! Every adult’s worst nightmare!!! Join us then!

The obvious questions is: can a bad film be saved by the fact that the lead actress is completely nude in nearly every scene? No film is quite as qualified to answer that question as this one.

Lifeforce

The answer, of course, was a resounding “maybe!” Mathilda May‘s ample assets certainly doesn’t subtract from the success of this film. In addition there’s the great Patrick Stewart in a small, but scene-chewing, role! So, this movie sound’s great, right? Unfortunately, there’s also Steve Railsback and Golan & Globus.

SUCK… the essence from yet another scene-by-scene analysis by Marc, Doug, and Kirk!!

BAFFLE… at another failed joke attempt by Marc, whose addled brain doesn’t quite manage it!!!

STAB… another hour of boredom in the heart with a giant steel sword!!! Actually, you should stab it just below the heart, where the soul is stored.

 As always, you can find Lifeforce on Netflix. You can also buy the DVD from our store, if you feel like it. Please go to iTunes and write a review for the podcast there. New reviews will enjoy the privilege of being read on the show! DO IT!!! Also, subscribe please. Okay, I think that’s it.

Next Week: Oh man, we’re following up on our Highlander coverage by covering the incredibly ludicrous “renegade edition” of Highlander II! Join us then!

Also, don’t forget to vote in our Schlocktober Poll and choose the films for that month! The poll is right to the right! —>

Matt once again bows out for an episode that features what might be the weirdest, goriest, and just plain strangest films we’ve ever covered.

But wait, you say, I thought you were going to put off covering horror films until Schlocktober! No, we didn’t break our promise, it turns out one of the goriest films we’ve ever covered is a crazy martial arts film!

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky

As near as we can figure, this is a film about a guy sent to prison, who happens to have a real problem with outrage. And he tends to express that outrage by punching holes into people…bloodily. It has exploding heads, guts pouring out of bodies, people ripping out intestines to strange others, and guys who sing about their toilet habits!

PUNCH… a bloody, spurting hole in the gut of boredom, as Doug yawns in the first 5 seconds of the show!!!

TRIP… your troubles onto a spiked board so that their eyes get poked out as we discuss the similarities between Matt and Urkel!!!

TURN INTO A GIANT TROLL/CLOWN THING… and…uh, well… Shit. I’m not sure where to go with that. This movie is fucking weird!!!

We were thrilled to find Riki-Oh on Netflix Instant. We also managed to find the DVD and add it to our store, care of Amazon. If you want to own this weird masterpiece, find it there! Also, be sure to head to iTunes and rate the podcast! Then subscribe for next week’s show!

Next Week: We’re covering some Steve Railsback sci-fi with Lifeforce!!

**Also remember to vote for your choices in our Schlocktober poll. Just pick four from our list of 13 films, and we’ll cover the winners during Schlocktober! The poll is right there, to the right! —>

Get ready everyone, Schlocktober is on its way! That means a whole month of the schlockiest, most awful horror films! And also CANDY!!!

In preparation for that wonderful month, we chose 13 of the spookiest, scariest, creepiest, and schlockiest films from Netflix Instant! And we’re going to let you, the listeners, choose between them! So check out the poll that will be running all of September (almost) and be sure to vote for your favorites to determine our movies for that month! You can find the poll right here on SchockTreatment.com in the widget to the right! ———>

Voting will end on midnight on the 25th, and the winning movies (the 4 with the most votes*) will be announced on our September 29th episode!

So, vote now, and vote often (I think weekly visits are allowed)! Then be sure to subscribe to the podcast, so you can join us for Schlocktober!!

*winning movies that fall out of Netflix Instant, as is often our luck, will be replaced by the runners up

This week we feature the 4th in an infamous series of awful movies. No, we’re not talking about Adam Sandler‘s 4th movie, we’re talking Dudikoff! And talking about Dudikoff mean’s we’re talking about ninjas!

American Ninja 4: The Annihilation

Yup, Dudikoff is back, and this time he joins the guy who was in American Ninja 3! Wow! Yeah, we weren’t quite that excited either (except for Matt). Sure, he doesn’t show up until 45 minuted into the film, but he does wear a bright yellow ninja uniform. So, there’s plenty to talk about. We actually found this film to be pretty entertaining, so we recommend checking it out.

MEDITATE… as we discuss the myriad failings of the giant hordes of ninjas that flood this movie!!!

FIGHT…. the urge to ask”what the hell” of this movie, as we discuss the sudden appearance of the cast of Road Warrior!!!

SLASH… the left eye of weirdness, when we question the point of the character known as “Super Ninja!!!”

You can find American Ninja 4 on Netflix Instant. We also saw it in full on Youtube, if you want to check it out there. After watching it, head to iTunes and write a review for our podcast! Also, be sure to subscribe, so you can join us next week!

Next Treatment: We’re gettin’ gory, with Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki! Good stuff!

Sean, you can find me at the school.

Coming off our high from Starcrash, we dive straight into another 70s schlock title. Only, this time, we (star)crash and burn! We should have known better, what with this being a Corman picture, but we figured that if it had Carradine, it might reach Death Race 2000‘s exalted levels! Nope.

Deathsport

Nomads, mutants, and swords made of crystal…it must be THE FUTURE!! Yup, it’s the post-apocalypse again, and David Carradine is traipsing around a wasteland wearing a loin cloth. Ugh. But don’t worry, the plot is pointless too! This one also features that guy from God Told Me To Kill. Yay.

THRILL… as the ST gang discusses such racy topics as BDSM, mono, and auto-erotic asphyxiation!!!

WONDER…. at the amazing future, where thermoses are deadly weapons!!!

SIGH… as you realize Deathsport features only 3 minutes of the famed Deathsport!!!

Deathsport can be found on Netflix Instant. We checked Amazon, but couldn’t find it for less than 30 bucks. And let’s face it, nobody needs to own this film. Visit our store anyway, if you want to buy something else. The head to iTunes and drop a rating for the podcast! We also love people that subscribe, so we can make you dance on our disco floor of dangling crystals until you die of shock (or schlock)!

Next Week: We are heading back to the safety of a ninja movie, with American Ninja 4: The Annihilation!!!

Once in a while, we run across a truly schlocky film. This is one of those whiles. This week’s movie finds Kirk missing in action, but Matt makes a comeback. And he picked a good movie to make a comeback for!

Starcrash

This is a Barbarella and Star Wars mash-up from an Italian studio. So you know it must be good. On top of that, it has Caroline Munro and David Hasselhoff! Not sold yet? Okay, how about a green Telly Savales? What about a robot that talks like a dumb cracker? What about a plot that is totally stream of consciousness?

GASP… with horror, as the guys engage in a large amount of stereotyping as they discuss the name of one of the ships in the film!!!

SWOON… as Matt does his best Crash Test Dummies impression, and Doug and Marc discuss what artists might have helped the soundtrack of this movie!!!

THRILL… as the guys talk about dressing for prison, Captain MacGuffin, spaceship decor, Edith Bunker, and what kind of robots make the best companions for the ladies!!!

You can find Starcrash streaming on Netflix, and we recommend that you do find it…it’s crazy! If you have a hankerin’ for a DVD of this film, you can find it in our store! Then, be sure to head over to iTunes, and write us a review! Then, subscribe to the podcast for next week’s episode!

Next Treatment: We stick with the serious schlock, and watch Deathsport, starring David Carradine!!

It’s episode number 88, and we’re celebrating with one of our goofiest episodes yet! For some strange reason, the guys (minus Matt) have a hankering for karaoke, and partake in some very silly banter. It could be influenced by the fact that this week’s movie is a very serious treatment of one of the silliest concepts in film history.

Red Dawn

This film is basically, a conservative’s wet dream, with commies invading the heartland. But don’t worry, because good ole boy High School football players use their boy scout skills, NRA cards, and tough-love upbringing to kick some serious ass and triumph over the evil Ruskies! It has The Swayze, Charlie “Winning” Sheen, and Lea Thompson to name just a few!

TUNE IN TOKYO… as the guys decide this show should emulate an 80s morning, drive-time radio show!!!

TUNE BACK OUT… as Kirk and Doug perform a truly awful karaoke rendition of an awful 80s tune!!!

TUNE UP… your listening skills, as the guys talk boobs, guns, Coca-Cola, Arnold Schwarzenegger, purse dogs, grenades, and drinking poop from a deer’s neck!!!

Of course, Red Dawn is streaming on Netflix Instant. We also found the DVD and a digital rental on Amazon and placed them into our store to make them easy for you to find! Check ‘em out. After you check out the movie, be sure to head to iTunes to rate the podcast for us! We would love for you to write us a review, and if you do, we might just read it on the show!

Next Week: We go back to high camp with an Italian sci-fi flick, featuring David Hasselhoff and Caroline Munroe! It’s Starcrash!!

This week, we celebrate our liberation from the Billy Zane theme by having a special guest join us! Yes, it’s raconteur, critic, and quipster extraordinaire, Mark Prindle! He joins our pathetic podcast (for reasons that are entirely unfathomable) to discuss his film of choice!

FROGS!

Yep, it’s another killer animal movie from the seventies. The twist is that, this time, the animals aren’t ebiggened or particularly evil…they just enjoy a group of particularly clueless victims! It has a pre-moustache Sam Elliott, Ray Milland (a.k.a. Rainbow Man) and a whole lotta frogs (which are actually toads).

THRILL… as Mark brings up Buffalo Springfield, The Creation, and many more somewhat obscure bands!!!

GASP… as Matt sings a self-penned tribute to Rainbow Man, and asks for Mark‘s review!!!

CROAK… as Doug brings back some old impressions to try and impress our guest!!!

As always, this week’s movie is available on Netflix to watch instantly. Incidentally, we expect it to be the number one streaming movie tonight! You can also find Frogs to rent digitally or as a DVD from Amazon. You can find both in our store. Also, be sure to rate the podcast on iTunes, please!

Next Week: We head back to the 80s, with a star-studded classic, RED DAWN!

Hey, kids! It’s the last of the Billy Zane films!! Pretty soon you will be fully cured, and discharged from the in-ZANE JULY-lum!!! Hooray! Well, it’s also possible you’ll be a spent, drooling, quivering mess that can no longer function in normal, polite society. So, there’s that. But we tried to go easy on you.

M,SW0417:AVGYFM

For those of you not in “the know,” that stands for Murder, She Wrote Season 04 Episode 17: A Very Good Year for Murder!!! I don’t think we’re going to fit that whole title into the episode title on iTunes. Anyhoo, yes we are covering an episode of Murder, She Wrote just because it has Billy Zane in it!! I know, crazy, right?!? Anyhoo, it also happens to have the amazing John Saxon and the ugly Eli Wallach! What it doesn’t have is much of a plot.

GLANCE SUSPICIOUSLY… as Marc reads mail from the usual suspects, and Doug composes a song for a listener!!!

SEARCH FOR CLUES… of intelligent life on this podcast, as the guys talk TV murder mysteries and Matt references Richie Brockelman, Private Eye again!!!

FINGER THE CULPRIT… when Kirk gets up and leaves in the middle of the show…AGAIN!!!

Once again, you can find Murder, She Wrote on Netflix streaming instantly! Otherwise, check your DVD collection…you know you have it! The episode is called A Very Good Year for Murder, and it’s Season 4, episode 17. After watching it, head over to iTunes and rate the podcast! Then subscribe for next week’s show!

Next Week: We are blissfully Billy Zane-free! And we have a special guest! Mark Prindle of internet music reviewing fame will be joining us to discuss Frogs!

Too bad for you that the full-length version of Critters that was on YouTube got yanked by NBC/Universal, because that means we covered this movie instead. Ugh…

Posse

Yep Billy Zane is back, this time as a pirate-faced cowboy chasin’ after gold stolen by a bunch of black soldiers (and Stephen Baldwin). The film is a sort of western pastiche, more than an actual western. Or is it a series of short films? Hell, I don’t know. All I know is it’s chock-full of “that guys,” and Nipsey Russel only gets one line.

SCRATCH YER CRAW… as Matt calls forth all of his incredible improv and acting talent to artfully mimic a person that doesn’t exist and that no one ever dreamed of!!!

WALK THE LINE… of racial harmony, as Marc skates dangerously close to being offensive (according to the other guys)!!!

SADDLE UP…as Doug and Kirk discuss the merits of Roger Waters‘ latest film!!!

As always (and sometimes to our detriment) this week’s film is streaming on Netflix! You can find it there, if you are short on reasons to kill yourself. Turns out, if you have Amazon Prime, you can also stream it for free there! If you’re feeling really desperate, pick up the DVD! You can find all the amazon stuff that’s available in our store! Then head over to iTunes and please leave us a rating! Then subscribe to the podcast to be ready for next week’s episode!

Next Week: The IN-ZANE JULY-LUM is packed with lunacy as we close out this abject failure in film themes with another TV episode! This time, we’re checking out an episode of Murder She Wrote that featured Billy Zane, called A Very Good Year for Murder (season 4, episode 17)!

InZANE JULYlum continues, with more Billy Zane! This time we actually liked his performance, as he chews the scenery all over this campy Tales from the Crypt feature film entry.

Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight

I don’t know if it was the fig newtons, or if it was the awfulness of last week’s movie, but we were loopy for this film. It’s pretty goofy, lame, and basically feels like a really long episode of the TV show, but we all still thought it was fun.

GET POSESSED… with the spirit of inZANITY, as the guys have trouble keeping it together for this episode!!!

BREAK THE SEAL… as Kirk reveals that he didn’t watch the movie, even though covering it was his idea!!!

RIP OFF THE ARM… of boredom, as Doug and Matt giggle their way around just about every topic except this movie!!!

This week’s episode is a little off topic, but if you decide to watch Demon Knight anyway, you can find it on Netflix Instant!! You can also find it available as a digital rental or on DVD from Amazon! Check our store to find links! In the mean time, head over to rate the podcast on iTunes, and be sure to subscribe for next week’s show!

Next Treatment: We continue your treatments in the InZANE JULYlum with another (partly) Billy Zane flick! This time we cover the mediocre western, Posse!

Welcome to the InZANE JULYlum! As a celebration of insanity, we decided to cover a string of suitably awful films featuring Billy Zane! Of course, we have plenty to choose from. We decided to pass on Titanic, because…well…honestly, it’s because none of us wanted to watch it again. But don’t worry, we have another period piece that’s full of action and romance!

The Phantom

Yep, that really boring comic strip you used to skip over to read Hägar the Horrible was turned into a feature film! And, in the fine tradition of The Shadow, it’s filled with inept storytelling, boring cliches, and cartoonish set-pieces! Add to that, the woefully uncharismatic performance by Mr. Zane and we have schlock!

RACE…through the jungle on faster-than-plane horses to hear the guys discuss confusing chase scenes!!!

FLY…to uncharted lands just to see if maybe there’s an island there, and then exclaim “wow, it’s really here!!!”

SPRING… into tiger cages, pirate coves, and machine rooms to show off your skin-tight, purple, spandex suit!!!

It’s all there on our latest episode, and the film is all there for you to watch on Netflix Instant. You can also find it available to buy streaming or on DVD from Amazon…look in our store for links! Be sure to head to iTunes and rate the podcast for us, we promise to read new reviews on the show! Also, while you’re there be sure to subscribe for the next InZANE JULYlum entry!

Next Week: We get even schlockier with The Crypt Keeper and Billy Zane in Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight!!!

When we saw this movie was streaming, we rushed across the country to pick it up from military school so that we could try to rebuild our relationship with it after being separated from it for a very long time. We even brushed our teeth!

Over the Top

Yep, Sly Stallone is back! And he’s in another self-penned, underdog tale that’s dripping with melodrama and montages! It’s also got a kid named Mike Hawk, which we can’t seem to let go of as we talk about it.

MEET US HALFWAY… as we start another episode with an argument between Matt & Marc!!!

BELIEVE… in the power of stuff, as Doug does his Jeff Goldblum impression!!!

GO OVER THE TOP… as Kirk talks about the art of truck cab snuggling!!!

You can find Over the Top on Netflix to watch instantly. If you’d rather have a DVD, you can find it in our store! And, while you’re browsing…go to iTunes and rate the podcast there! Also, be sure to subscribe.

Next Week: We begin our month-long series of Billy Zane movies, in a little something Kirk calls “InZane Julylum!” Our first movie is the mediocre superhero effort, The Phantom!

After some unexpected down-time, the podcast is back to a shaky start! We had some difficulties the last two weeks, but we’re finally getting to the movie we announced so long ago! And we only manage to be awful some of the time, so it’s quite an amazing comeback!

The Quest

It’s our first Jean-Claude Van Damme movie!! How is this possible?!? Yes, we finally hit the great JCVD, and hit him hard. There is much ribbing, and this movie deserves it. It’s JCVD as a 1920s vintage clown, with orphan kids as pals, gangsters, kung fu, and Roger Moore as a pirate!

TRAIN… yourself to withstand hilarity, as Matt‘s impression of an old man remarkably resembles Emo Phillips!!!

FIGHT…to keep your composure, as Kirk imitates a 30s reporter, Doug imitates Christian Bale, and Marc imitates Dudley Doright!!!

TRIUMPH… as the guys wonder about the point of this mysterious tournament, and the various ethnically-specific fighting styles of the combatants!!!

This flick is streaming on Netflix. It’s also available to rent as video on demand from Amazon. Find it in our store! Then head to iTunes, and subscribe to our podcast for next week’s show! Also, be sure to drop us a 5-star rating!

Next Treatment: We are THRILLED to find that Over the Top is now available streaming!!! Watch it now, and prepare for a fun episode next week!

Don’t worry, gentle listener, your wait is finally over! Yes, our own Matt Ringler makes his triumphant return to the podcast, in this episode. And, of course, we hit the ground running falling right back into our old bickering and fighting ways!

Actually, once we get to the movie, this one gets pretty entertaining. More than likely, this is because of our choice for this week’s film.

Surviving the Game

This classic Ice-T, Rutger Hauer, and Gary Busey bonanza means a film full of crazy! There’s hobo fights, dog mutilation, heads in jars, crazy recountings of fights with dogs, and drive-by tree shootings! It’s got everything!

GIVE UP… as the guys get a slow start and talk about mail, Samuel L. Jackson, Will Smith, and Eminem!!!

FIGHT BACK… as Doug busts out a killer Ice-T impression that leaves the guys gasping for air!!!

JUMP IN THE SECOND PLANE… of laughter, as Matt and Kirk sing a lovely duet!!!

As usual, you can find Surviving the Game on Netflix to watch instantly. You can also rent it or buy the DVD from Amazon via our store! Then head over to iTunes and write a review for the podcast!

Next Week: We hit Jean-Claude Van Damme as hard as we can by covering The Quest!!!

Another special guest episode comes flying your way! Only THIS time, the special guest didn’t make it! Unfortunately, guest Ralph Santiago III of the RS3Feed podcast had a mishap and couldn’t make it to the show. We give him a call at the start of the show to get the scoop on that. Fortunately, Jon Cross from The After Movie Diner was in the neighborhood, and joined for a second episode! We still covered Ralph’s movie choice for this week, though.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

This is a goofball horror/comedy from the late 80s, that most people will recall for it’s amazingly creepy clown makeup. Of course, it also features John Vernon and Grant Cramer. And there’s the endless scenes of klown karnage…as we imagine they would refer to it.

HONK… the nose of boredom, as we place a call to Ralph and learn of his horrible dog-walking accident!!!

RIDE THE TINY BICYCLE… of joy as we discuss the hilarity of dialogue like “this isn’t how cotton candy is stored!!!”

THROW A PIE… into the face of tedium, as the guys somehow end up discussing cat-swinging, Chinese Zodiac killers, and swinging cocks at unsuspecting people at make-out point!!!

This week’s movie is available to stream on Netflix Instant, as usual. You can also stream it on Amazon. Find that, the DVD, and even the soundtrack in our store! Also, be sure to look for us on iTunes and subscribe to the podcast to auto-download future episodes! You definitely want to be here for next week’s show!

Next Week: We talk all about Rutger Hauer & Ice-T in Surviving the Game!! Also…Matt should be back….if anyone cares.

Well, we’re really in it up to our necks this time. We totally screwed up. See when we let our special guest, Jon Cross from The After Movie Diner podcast, join us for this episode and pick this week’s film, we hadn’t counted on him choosing a film that’s actually good! I mean, the show is called Schlock Treatment, bad movies is what we do! But Jon would have none of it. He insisted, and the result is a podcast rife with appreciation, insight, thoughtful commentary, and genuine appreciation for an actual good movie. What were we THINKING?!?!

Bubba Ho-Tep

Yep, it’s our old pal Bruce Campbell, and he’s back in what is arguably his best film (What? I said “arguably!”). He plays Elvis (or does he) and co-stars with Ossie Davis as JFK (or is he?). The battle a mummy. ‘Nuff said. Watch this film!

KARATE CHOP… your preconceptions about our show, as Jon brings some much needed credibility to this “movie review” podcast!!!

TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS… as we reveal what director Don Coscarelli said about the film in a (very brief) “Twitterview!!!”

Lean BACK AND TO THE LEFT… to take in Marc, Doug and Jon covering topics like, American architecture, fans wearing thongs, guys getting choked up, commentary tracks, and alphabetizing DVDs (it’s a long episode) !!!

Yep, it’s a crazy week, so check it out! You can find Bubba Ho-Tep streaming on Netflix Instant, on Amazon Instant Video, or on DVD from Amazon! Check out our store for the Amazon stuff. We really, really, recommend watching it, by the way. It’s just a great, fun, well done movie! And after you do that, head over to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast! More fun stuff to come!

Next Week: This time, our guest is Ralph Santiago III of the RS3Feed Podcast, and he chose a much schlockier film. We’re watching the classic Killer Klowns from Outer Space for next time.

After weeks of horrible sequels, we needed a break. Not a break from awful movies, of course, but a break from the mainstream. And so, we decided to cover a true piece of schlock.

SLUGS!

Yep, this is about as schlocky as you get. Okay, so the slugs effects are not too bad, and the gore is pretty convincing (and gross), but the sheer inanity of the concept makes up for all that! Add to that a cast that has some of the strangest lines we’ve ever run across, and some of the worst deliveries, and you slime your way into schlock heaven!

OOZE…with joy over Kirk‘s amazing (a.k.a. totally not amazing) impression of Matt (who is on a short leave of absence)!!!

SLIME… yourself, as Doug quotes amazing exchanges like “those are huge!” “I told you they were huge!” “Huge? They’re gigantic!!” (They’re talking about slugs.)

TRAIL… off into howls of laughter, as the guys wonder at the appropriateness of a pointless rape scene involving Skeletor!!!

You can find Slugs on Netflix to watch instantly. If you look hard, you can also find the full movie on youtube. If you’re hankering for the DVD, find it in our store in the DVD section. In the mean time, head to iTunes and rate the podcast! We need your reviews and ratings!! Then be sure to subscribe!

Next Week: With Matt out on leave, we have special guest Jon Cross joining us, from The After Movie Diner podcast! And his movie of choice is Bubba Ho-Tep!!!

Is this still part of our series on bad sequels? We’re not sure anymore, we’re a bit shell-shocked. Sure enough, though, this is a sequel to the classic disco drama, Saturday Night Fever.

Staying Alive

Like our other sequels, this one doesn’t quite live up to it’s predecessor’s legacy. Travolta is back, but this time he’s scantily clad, sweaty, wearing headbands and loin cloths, and prancing around Broadway! It doesn’t get much better than this, folks!

WORK IT… as the Doug and Kirk talk about the double meaning behind Satan’s Alley!!!

CHASSE… across the stage, as Matt and Marc talk about the director’s resemblance to Kenny Loggins!!!

WIGGLE… your jazz hands in appreciation for Kirk‘s amazing Hoggle impression, as conversation somehow wanders to Labyrinth!!!

This turd is streaming on Netflix Instant, so if you’re desperate to check it out, find it there. It’s also all over Amazon. You can watch it streaming as Video On Demand, buy the DVD, or download the soundtrack! We have all 3 forms available from Amazon in our store! Then head to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast to be ready for next week’s treatment!

Next Treatment: We’re going back to some goofy horror, with Slugs!

Is it really a bad thing for Hollywood to pump out a sequel to a hugely beloved film, even if it’s sub-par? Isn’t it better to have more of the characters you love than nothing at all? That’s what we discuss this weekend as we review yet another disappointing sequel!

Ghostbusters 2

The whole crew is back in the second effort from writers Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis. But are they as good? Is the plot hackneyed, or just as good as the first? Are the jokes there to induce laughter or vomiting? Opinions are mixed between the Schlock Docs, though everyone agrees that Peter MacNichol steals the show!

TAKE CONTROL… as Marc reveals his theories about the Hollywood formula for sequels!!!

CALL… who you’re going to, as Doug tells the hilarious tale of his drunk friend who fell in the screening of Mr. Bean!!!

BE FILLING WITH JOYFULNESS… as the guys do multiple Jannosh impressions, and declare him the best thing about this movie!!!

Ghostbusters 2 is available streaming on Netflix Instant and on Crackle! It’s also free to stream on Amazon for Prime Members, so look for it in our store! Then be sure to head over to iTunes and rate the podcast! Also, subscribe for next week, when we’ll bring you yet another awful sequel!

Next Treatment: We bring you one more bad sequel with Staying Alive!

This week finds the Schlock Docs continuing their exploration of the very worst sequels to “good” or respected movies. After covering the worst sequel to a musical ever, we move into sci-fi with a follow-up to Cronenberg‘s disturbing and thoughtful remake, The Fly.

The Fly II

We can’t help but scoff at the total lack of plot, and the downright gratuitous gore. We also scoff that the strange love story, the weird character of Martin Brundle played by Eric Stoltz, and the appearance of none other than Daphne Zuniga (a.k.a. Princess Vespa of Spaceballs fame).

TRANSFORM… your otherwise dull afternoon into an amazing one as Kirk flubs the opening, Marc eats chocolate, and Matt and Doug run out of things to say!!!

TRANSMOGRIFY… your feelings of ennui as Matt compares the movie’s mutant dog to Sprocket from Fraggle Rock!!!

TRANSPORT… to a world where the ST gang argues about whether they would want to live in a world where transporters exist, but Star Trek doesn’t!!!

The Fly II is currently available to watch instantly on Netflix. If you would prefer to own this gem on DVD, you can find it in the DVD section of our store! Then, after watching this one, head to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast. That’s the best way to ensure you’ll be able to join us next week for more fun!

Next Week: We continue with a sequel to one of the greatest comedy/sci-fi films of all time, Ghostbusters 2!!! This one should be tons of fun, so join us!

Remember the heady days of the great musicals? Like Funny Girl, Sweet Charity, The Music Man, and of course Grease! Now remember the 80s? Remember how everything was a pale imitation of those better times? You don’t??!? Then you need to tune into this week’s episode!

Grease 2

Yeah, this movie doesn’t live up to it’s namesake. It features Adrien Zmed, Michelle Pfeiffer, and a super-dreamy Maxwell Caulfield, but still manages to be an utter failure. Apparently this surprised the film’s makers as well. Well, we tear it apart bit by bit, and try to put our finger on what killed this film.

SCORE… when Kirk unwittingly reads from his doctored notes!!!

DO IT FOR YOUR COUNTRY… when Matt accuses Marc of saying something, he denies it, then flashes back to recall saying it, proving that Matt was right!!!

WONDER WHO THAT GUY IS… when Doug can’t remember who that guy is!!!

Grease 2 is available to stream on Netflix Instant. We also found it available for digital download from Amazon…find it in our store, along with the DVD and the soundtrack! Then head over to iTunes and subscribe for next week’s episode of the podcast!!

Next Week: We continue our Bad Sequel series, with The Fly II!!

After a long stretch of boring truck movies, we decided to bring some action to the show! To that end, we’re doing a string of bad sequels to great films! And we’re kicking it off, with the sequel to a sword and sorcery classic!

Conan the Destroyer

Destroyer fails on several counts despite a great cast and a wonderful template from the first film, Conan the Barbarian! It features a meandering, and pointless plot, an exceedingly annoying sidekick, and a relative lack of nudity and gore. Disappointing, to say the least. The schlock docs all admit to enjoying it, despite it’s shortcomings, though.

GRAB IT… with us, as we discuss the joys of Grace Jones‘ performance!!!

TAKE IT… as we read a couple iTunes reviews, and reveal an Easter egg (just in time for easter) on our iTunes page!!!

PUNCH THE CAMEL… again, and again, as we somehow manage to discuss Titanic, Indiana Jones, and an imaginary conversation between André the Giant and Arnold Schwarzenegger!!!

You can find Conan the Destroyer on Netflix, and in our store as either an Amazon Video on Demand, or a DVD! You can also go to iTunes to find the aforementioned Easter Egg in Johnny Slick‘s review! While you’re there, subscribe to the podcast, rate us, and write us a review!

Next Week: We continue with bad sequels to good films, and revisit the musical genre! We cover the mediocre sequel, Grease 2!!

Finally, at long last, we come to the end of Large March!

That means we have finally reached the end of our month of truck-related films, and not a moment too soon! After sitting through some of the most boring, uneventful pieces of pure dreck ever committed to celluloid, we round out our month with a Stephen King film!

Maximum Overdrive

This one features King directing his own work, so you know it’s going to be awful! We have soda machines shooting cans out with enough force to kill, hypnotic video game machines, and (of course) a truck with a giant goblin head on the front. We also have Emilio Estevez and Pat Hingle surrounded by guns, rednecks, and poop jokes!

FLOOR IT… as the guys start the show reading one of the strangest bit of reader mail ever!!!

GUN THE ENGINE… of Large March as we laugh at what may be some of the most ridiculous inconsistencies in a story ever!!!

EXPLODE… in a giant ball of fire, as we mark the end of Large March with the awarding of an ERJ Award!!!

Maximum Overdrive is available in full on You Tube, if you know how to search for it. If you don’t (like all of the co-hosts of this podcast), you can just go here. We couldn’t find it streaming on Amazon, but we did find the DVD version for a pretty good price, which you can find in our store!

As always, be sure to look for the podcast iTunes, write us a review, and subscribe for more fun next week!!!

Next Treatment: After the horror of Large March, we don’t learn our lesson at all and dive straight into another theme!! This time we’re doing “bad sequels to good movies!” And we are starting it off with a much needed bang, and Conan the Destroyer! So tune in next time!

Okay, so it’s not a truck in the traditional Large March sense. Excuuuuuse us! Look, we got caught off guard. We’ll admit it freely! We ran short of decent truck movies, and we started scraping! We figured this one would be guaranteed to bring us out of our boring truck-movie funk!

KILLDOZER!!

We were wrong. We know that now. I mean, with a name like “Killdozer,” you would expect a movie to be action-packed! Unfortunately, this one hangs around construction sites, listens to bad country music, and pines for the loss of Robert Urich.

CRASH… into an extra long mail-bag segment, as we try to pad out this episode with letters about the infamous wikipedia argument!!!

DEMOLISH… another truck movie with Marc, Doug, and Kirk as we find ourselves begging for the blissful end of our stupid Large March idea!!

GO ON STRIKE… with the guys, as they play a rousing game of Re-Cast It, in an attempt to turn this movie into something mildly interesting!!!

You can find the full movie, Killdozer, on YouTube. You can’t find it in our store, but you can find many other movies we’ve covered there, so check it out! Also, be sure to find us on iTunes, drop us a rating/review, and subscribe to the podcast! You’ll want to be subscribed for next week’s episode, where we’ll finally close out Large March!

Next Week’s Treatment: Maximum Overdrive!! It’s also available in full length and for free on YouTube!

Soldiering on with worst idea ever, Large March, we’ve resorted to YouTube to bring you yet another trucker film! And this week, while we’re still “Dougless” we had some help from our special guest Christopher Boerger of the Master Debaters Improv Group!

White Line Fever

This flick is from 1975 and stars Jan-Micheal Vincent, of Airwolf fame. It also has a few that-guys, a bit more action than the other stuff we’ve covered, implied bestiality, rattlesnake abuse, and some tough questions about family planning.

THRILL… as the mail-bag segment devolves into a discussion about 70s cartoons!!!

GASP… with awe, as guest Christopher drops some very impressive names (and then realizes he’s thinking of the wrong person)!!!

PILE-ON… with everyone as they decide to all give Marc a metaphorical crowbar to the stomach, by trying to convince him that truckers don’t use cell phones!!

You can find White Line Fever right on YouTube….HERE (since everyone seemed to have difficulty with the search feature on YouTube). We also have the DVD available from Amazon through our store! Also, please be sure to head over to iTunes and rate the podcast!!! Then subscribe for next week’s episode when Doug will be back!!

Next Treatment: We’re sticking to our guns on the trucker month, but going a bit off the highway with Killdozer!!! Yes, this famously awful film is available to watch on YouTube!

Check out this cool Lego sculpture made by our oldest (in seniority, not necessarily age) listener, Ryan!

Pretty cool, Ryan! Of course, we’re now left trying to figure out which Lego person is supposed to be which. Naturally, the handlebar-moustachioed leather man on the far left is Doug. The one on the right, wearing the glasses, must be Marc, right? Theories for the rest will be accepted in the comments.

It’s our second ever Dougless podcast! NOOOOO! And, boy could we have used him on this episode to bring some joy to an otherwise joyless movie. We continue our series of truck-drivin’ films in a little something we call “Large March.”

Flatbed Annie & Sweetie Pie: Lady Truckers

This is a boring, lifeless made-for-TV movie that even Annie Potts couldn’t save. It’s got trucks, lady truckers, random hijackers, an annoyingly persistent repo-man, and a young Rory Calhoun! It also has the guys at their wits end, trying to find something good to say about this film.

CRINGE… as Matt, yet again, abuses our listeners and truck drivers across the USA!!!

THRILL… as Marc, Kirk and Matt give a tuneful rendition of the type of theme song, this movie would have, if it made it to series!!!

WONDER… at the audacity of filmmakers that made a truck driving movie full of southerners and cowboys, but still set the whole thing in Southern California!!!

If you’ve got a hankering for some self-torture, you can find Flatbed Annie & Sweetie Pie: Lady Truckers on Netflix to watch instantly. If Matt hasn’t driven you to hate us, please subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and write us a review, or give us a 5 star rating! Then join us next week, for the next in our truckin’ series!

Next Week’s Treatment: We continue Large March with White Line Fever!! It’s available to watch in full on YouTube!

Breaker 1-9, we got a bad movie comin’ in on yer back door! Prepare to put the hammer down! Or something. This week finds us starting off our “large March” truck-movie extravaganza! Tell ‘em “Large March” sent ya! (Get it?)

Convoy

Yes, the first movie in our truckin’ series is based on a hit song, and the CB craze of the late seventies! And it shows. It features Kris Kristofferson and Ali McGraw as a trucker and a wedding photographer, who meet on the road. Then they end up in a multi-state chase on the run from the crooked cop played by Ernest Borgnine. Yes, that’s pretty much the plot.

PUT YER EARS ON… to hear Doug reveal his theory that Rubber Duck is basically Trucker Jesus!!!

GEAR DOWN… as the guys discuss why Rocky’s brother Paulie is now a truck driver, haulin’ pigs!!!

REV UP… your sense of humor, if you want to try and laugh at Matt talking dirty about Marc’s grandmother!!!

As always, this episode’s film in available to stream on Netflix Instant! We also managed to find Convoy available to watch on YouTube, and you can find the digital rental or buy the DVD in our store from Amazon! Be sure to find us on iTunes and subscribe to the podcast! Drop us a review, or a rating, while you’re there!

For Next Week: We continue our truckin’ theme for Large March with Flatbed Annie & Sweetie Pie!!

This episode finds us blasting back into the seventies, and facing up to some social commentary. But, don’t worry, we temper that with plenty of bad jokes, boobs, and (of course) arguments between the schlock-docs!

Death Race 2000

Yes, it’s the cult classic from 1975, not the pale imitation from 2008. David Carradine manages to bewilder us by being cast in yet another role as a tough guy. Stallone chews the scenery with aplomb! And, we get to see lots of violence, nudity, and (no so) rad race cars!

ZOOM… into this episode as Matt starts us off with complete bewilderment about what’s going on in this plot, and nobody supports him!!!

SHIFT… into high gear, as everyone reveals their favorite racers, and thus allows a glimpse deep into their psyche!!!

SCREAM… across the finish line, as Kirk finishes the episode with another failed joke, and Matt sees weakness and pounces!!!

All this is yours, for the low, low price of nothing!!! If you haven’t seen Death Race 2000, you can find it streaming on Netflix. You can also find it available to watch in full on YouTube! If that’s not good enough for you, you can find the DVD in our store! Also, if you feel up to it, we would love you to drop us a 5-star rating on iTunes, and then subscribe to the podcast!

Next week’s Treatment: We kick of our theme month of Large March (get it?), where we cover a fleet of truck-drivin’ movies, with the classic CONVOY!

Do you feel it? Do you feel the beat? Is it moving through you? Does it make you want to move your feet? Well, we do…boy do we feel the beat. Man…can barely keep from dancing, what with that beat.

Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo

Yes, it’s probably the single most famous sequel (at least for the title) of all time! If you grew up in the 80s, you saw this movie. You probably thought Ozone and Turbo were cool, too. We are naturally here to shatter that illusion. It’s what we do.

POP… to the amazing rhymes and beat-boxing of Matt “O-Ring” Ringler, as he freestyles about the movie!!!

LOCK… your door, so you can dance like an idiot and won’t have to worry about someone walking in on you!!!

GIVE… up on Marc, Doug, and Matt as they ramble aimlessly around the plot of this film, and end up talking about Die Hard!!!

Netflix, has Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo available to stream, which is all part of our master plan to allow you to watch this film all over again! It’s not streaming on Amazon, but you can find a link to the DVD in our store! Also, be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, drop us a 5 star rating, or write us a review!

Next Week: We change gears to cover a classic piece of schlock, Death Race 2000!!!

Oof! We are a titch late with this week’s episode. We’ve had nothing but problems. First, we’re in the process of changing hosts, so we hope this will mean faster load times in the future. That took some time for the switch to propagate. Second, we had a bit of a screw-up in the microphone department, so the audio is AWFUL this week! Apologies in advance for that.

Of course, the episode with the screwed-up audio  would have to be this one, because this is one FUN movie to talk about!

Congo

Yep, it’s Jurassic Park‘s smaller, stupider, younger brother. This movie wanted to be so much, and failed in so many ways. We have fake apes galore, even faker accents, and tons of pointless plot points. We also have the return of Ernie Hudson and Tim Curry, plus a too-short appearance by Bruce Campbell!

THRILL…as Marc awards the ERJ Award to Amy, the talking gorilla!!!

WONDER…at the Matt’s horrific hypothesis about Dr. Peter’s relationship with Amy the talking gorilla!!!

GASP… in amazement, as Kirk and Doug take Matt’s point to it’s logical conclusion in horrible and disgusting ways!!!

As always, this week’s film is available streaming on Netflix Instant. If you really want to torture yourself with Congo, try there! Or go to our store, where you’ll find it available to rent or buy from Amazon, along with a complete library of all the movies we’ve covered! Also, please remember to head over to iTunes and subscribe to the podcast, so you can be sure to hear next week’s regular crystal-clear audio!

Next Week: A treat for children of the 80s, and bad movie fans alike…it’s Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo!!!

"It's a living!"

The great Sho Kosugi and the wondrous Franco Nero make their triumphant returns to Schlock Treatment in this episode! It’s a movie that we’ve been wanting to cover since the inception of the show!

Enter the Ninja

Yep, it’s another cheesy ninja film, and it’s every bit as awful as the other Sho Kosugi films we’ve seen. There are pointless backflips, unconvincing white ninja masters, ridiculous uses of ninja weaponry, and plenty of villains in white suits!

FLIP… for ninjas that will only kill for “good causes” and issue a “license” to ninja!!!

SNAP… the neck of boredom as the guys discuss the embarrassment of wearing a wet white ninja outfit, and the strange world of ninja sartorial choices!!!

EXPLODE… pointless clouds of smoke around the idea of properly wording one of those jokes where you say “Marc puts the [x] in [something with 'x' in it]!!!” (Apparently some people don’t have to make sense to get laughs.)

As always, this week’s film is available on Netflix Instant! You can also look for Enter the Ninja on demand or on DVD from Amazon through our store! Please be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and drop us a rating if you can!

Next week’s episode: Tim Curry, Ernie Hudson, and Bruce Campbell return to the show in the famously bad Crichton adaptation, Congo!!

"Uh...is that your sword poking my back?" "It's a secret."

Everything you fondly recall about your childhood is a lie. The truth is, when you were a tiny little tyke, you had some really shitty taste. This week, we decided to revisit a childhood favorite in the form of a Filmation animated feature/first five episodes of a new series.

He-Man She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword

The secret of this sword, is that it’s a cheap knock-off of the He-Man series, but aimed at girls in the most shallow way possible! We have rip-offs of He-Man characters, only the worst traits seem the most amplified. But, don’t worry, all of your favorite old characters are still there (except Orko) to reassure you that He-Man really wasn’t much more than a giant commercial.

CRINGE…at Marc‘s Cringer impression. It’s not a bad impression, Cringer’s voice is just that hard to listen to!!!

TRANSFORM… your day, as Matt describes his favorite character, Arnold Hordvak!!!

HURL INSULTS… at your MP3 player, as Doug hurls idiotic insults in his best Skeletor voice, and Kirk does his best impression of a horse!!!

If you want to shatter childhood illusions, you can find The Secret of the Sword to stream instantly on Netflix Instant! You can also find it available for digital rental from Amazon through our store! So watch it today, and then join us as we talk about what He-Man toys we had as kids! Also, be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and join us for next week’s episode!

Next Week: Holy shit, y’all! We are super excited that Enter the Ninja is streaming again!! We’ll talk Sho Kosugi and Franco Nero next week!

Okay, very often we cover films, and we expect that people aren’t actually going to watch it. They’ve probably seen it, or maybe they’ll just get the gist of it from our conversation. Well, if there’s any movie that you actually try to seek out, let this be it!

The Vineyard

James Hong is definitely a podcast favorite. From his roles in movies like Big Trouble in Little China, to his amazing Christmas album, we love this guy! And now  we cover a film that he wrote, directed, and starred in! If any movie is a disturbing glimpse into this guy’s psyche…well, this is it.

THRILL… as the guys discuss their various reactions to seeing James Hong groping and sexing-up a half-naked woman!!!

CRINGE… at the endless James Hong impressions, that slowly degrade into horrible Asian stereotypes!!!

REVEL… in the absolute incompetence and utter weirdness of this crazy film!!! (Seriously, watch it!)

The Vineyard is currently available to stream on Netflix Instant. If you don’t have Netflix, you can find the DVD on Amazon through our store, and you can rent it there too! So, be sure to watch this one…we can’t recommend it enough for fans of schlock! Then be sure to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, and join us next week!

Prescription for Next Week: We take on 80s Filmation cartoon, He-Man & She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword!! Yep. You know you loved it as a kid. Now it’s time for us to shatter your childhood illusions. Fun, huh?