Category Archives: Horror

Treatment 10 -New Year’s Evil

Should horrible movies be forgot, and never brought to mind, then we will bring them back to your mind with another episode of Schlock Treatment!

This week, we watched New Year’s Evil, an 80s slasher that brings us death by bag of weed, and Fonzie’s girlfriend, among other things. We follow our insightful analysis of that film with our first annual SCHLOCKIES! Yes, we reveal our choices for the ‘Ultimate ERJ Award’, the ‘Best/Worst Actors in a Schlock Film’, ‘Worst Crapfest’, and ‘Best Schlock!’

THRILL…as Marc flubs the opening!!!

GASP…as Doug reinforces our hypothesis about his Dollman-crush!!!

WONDER…as Kirk reveals his secret admiration for characters who just don’t care about anything!!!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Treatment 9 – Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys

A little carol for our listeners…

Here we come a-wassailing
Amongst the crappy schlock;
Here we go a screaming
Our eyes so wide with shock.

Shock at how bad this week’s film is, that is.

Yes, the season of giving is upon us! As we sip our spiced drinks, and snuggle warmly to our MP3 players, we here at Schlock Treatment offer our listeners this humble gift of….

Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys

Sorry…it was sort of a last minute thing. All the shops were closed. It was the only thing we could find at the convenience store…well, it was this or getting everyone some jerky and a bottle of anti-freeze.

So, if you were foolish enough to watch this film, do please enjoy our Treatment for what we’re mostly agreed is the worst film we’ve discussed so far.

NESTLE…all snug in your wee little beds, as Kirk serenades us with Christmas cheer!!!

SPRING…to the window and throw open the sash for some fresh air, as we reveal the rotten stench of this film!!!

EXCLAIM…as you wish you were out of sight of Cory Feldman’s horrible performance!

All this, plus your assignment for NEW YEARS on this week’s Schlock Treatment! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Treatment 8 – Dollman vs. Demonic Toys

They’re baaaaaaaack!

Yes, this week’s treatment marks the return of the world’s most irritating toys. And this time, they’re up against our favorite 13″ tall cop, Brick Bardo, a.k.a. Dollman!

The movie is , of course, Dollman vs. Demonic Toys! And at an appropriately diminutive  62 minutes in run-time, it’s one of the easiest films to watch so far. Tim Thomerson returns as Brick Bardo, and this time he happily gets a girlfriend in the form of Nurse Ginger. She makes a return appearance, played by Melissa Behr,  after her shrinking by aliens in another Full Moon film, Bad Channels. If the other Full Moon Entertainment films are any indication, you should avoid it.

Add the return of Tracy Scoggins as demon-bait cop, Judith Grey (from Demonic Toys), and you have a showdown of epic proportions just waiting to be botched utterly by the inept folks at Full Moon! Don’t worry, they don’t disappoint.

SWOON… as the ST gang wonders what it would be like to be inside the beautiful Nurse Ginger’s drawers!!!

CRINGE… as Doug treats us to a reminder of the horribly repetitive giggle of the Jack-in-the-Box Toy!!!

GROAN… as pedantry about inaccuracies of scale makes a return appearance!!!

All this and more is in store for you on this week’s episode of Schlock Treatment!

Treatment 6 -Demonic Toys

Toys, toys, toys!!

What could be more appropriate this time of year than focusing on the items of all of our childhood desires? Of course, we lusted after Transformers, the Hoth Playset, the Snake Mountain with the voice altering microphone, and the Knight Rider Big Wheel. This week’s Treatment, however, features a foul-mouthed baby doll, a snake-clown hybrid-in-the-box, and a ravenous, razor-toother teddy bear of varying size. Could be worse….you could get socks and underwear!

Yes, this week’s Treatment is the oddly derivative, and yet somehow unique Demonic Toys! If you watched it, then you’re probably like us in that you have no idea what the heck was going on. Sixty-six year old demons? Tricycle-riding, gas mask wearing girls turned hustler centerfolds? Hall and Oats as arms dealers?!?!?!

SCRATCH YOUR HEAD…. as we try to puzzle the plausibility of trick-or-treating in 1925!!

BLUSH…. as Marc rather embarrassingly admits he recalls the lead actress from Dynasty!!

LOOK BACK…. on old Treatments, as Kirk and Doug shame Marc with endless call backs to his previous blunders!!

Welcome to another glorious episode of Schlock Treatment!

Treatment 3 – Dracula A.D. 1972

As a special Halloween treat, were releasing this week’s treatment a bit early to coincide with everyone’s favorite holiday for horror films and tasty treats! We hope you took the time to watch this week’s film, Dracula A.D. 1972! Despite it’s slightly less “schlocky” reality, as compared with our wild imaginings of discoing Dracula, we still manage to pick it apart to find lots of less-than-stellar moments.

DELIGHT…as we fawn over the greatness of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing!!

TREMBLE…at the thought of death by shower/bath combo!!

HEAVE…as you try to eat as much candy as Marc does in the course of this Treatment!!

So, grab your pillowcase full of goodies, turn down the lights,  draw a pentagram on the floor, and start your reel-to-reel playing scary satanic rite music. It’s time for this week’s Schlock Treatment!